77 Days Later...

This is my second blog attempt today. I started the other one and realized that no one wants to hear of my everyday happenings. Which was pretty much all it was about! So, I stopped and decided to wait till later when it popped into my mind what I want to write about...

It has been 77 days since I said my earthly good-bye to Dave...my life feels completely different now.

I am settling into single life. I have days when I really, REALLY miss being married. I like serving the man I love. I miss making him a cup of coffee and cooking him a meal after he worked hard all day. But I am adjusting. 

I am getting to focus on my kids. I have been able to be more deliberate in time with them. We are scheduling a family night at least every 2 weeks. Sarah is a senior, so I know time is winding down before we have more changes in our family! 

I am also getting ready for my second year leading Friday morning women's Bible study at my church. I am excited (and nervous) about this adventure! My heart is for women's ministry and so I embrace this opportunity from my Jesus! I am thankful he has entrusted me with this endeavor!

That's a short version of life...but what I want to share is that God has just been pouring himself out on me. I am blown away at all He has done in the 77 days since Dave's passing.

I believe that since the Garden of Eden, God has been all about REDEMPTION! What our enemy means for evil, God will turn into something good! Because of our sin, Jesus shed his blood to redeem us! There are so many verses on God pouring his goodness out and HE LOVES to bless his kids! And he has blown me away!!!

I spent hours feeling trapped in my home while taking care of Dave. It was a grueling, HARD process...I have now had 3...yes THREE vacations!!! ONLY Jesus!!!

We had a $6,000 deductible every year. Then we owed 80/20 of the balances. We did get some financial assistance from OSU which was a huge help. BUT, for some "unexplainable" reason, I owe right around $6,000 TOTAL on all medical bills!!! ONLY JESUS!!!

I was told I was only eligible for the one time $255 spousal benefit from Social Security. I went this week for my appointment to take care of everything. I had previously spoken with someone on the phone who told me that I could not get benefits for my kids and I had also looked it up on line and it looked like I was ineligible...but we did qualify! THANKFUL!!! (and shocked!)

I was able to purchase a 2011 Honda Odyssey for our family! It is BEAUTIFUL! (if I could have picked any color, this would have been it...BONUS!!!) I am so thankful for such a great vehicle that should last us for a LONG time! And the kids are thrilled with the DVD player in it! 

I have been able to spend time with friends, MANY friends! After so many long days of feeling isolated and trapped, I am free and I have been able to really enjoy my time with them! This morning, I met up with the fourth friend this week! I am SO thankful and blessed!!!

My latest road trip was to St Louis with my cousin for the Love Life Women's Conference! It was A-MA-ZING!!!! Joyce Meyer, Priscilla Shirer, and Andy Stanley all spoke. Matt Redman and Kristy Nockels led worship. And Natalie Grant sang at each session and Jesus Culture put on an incredible concert on Friday evening! God poured himself out and spoke to our hearts. I shed many tears as we sang of our wonderful Jesus! My thoughts would drift to my husband and the hope I have KNOWING where he is right now! 

I am amazed that most of my tears are in my worship. I hear songs of Calvary-my thoughts become, "Lord, because YOU DIED, Dave lives!" Death has been defeated..."YES JESUS! The last breath was really his first breath of REALLY living!!!" When we sing "Holy, Holy, Holy" I have to wonder if I am joining in with Dave at the throne right then...Music brings on sweet, joy filled tears!

I have wondered if I am processing things well. I have been happy. Truly happy! (as in Joy filled) I have peace. Even when there is an issue at hand, God's peace is over whelming. God has poured financially on my family. So thankful that for now, I am ok. As I look back over the past year, I realize that I began grieving in December last year. Things changed for us then. My roles in his life changed from wife to more of a care giver. I went through a time of depression and just thought it was because of self-pity...but I know now it was grief. I also went through a valley in the grieving process in March. Deep sadness. I was dealing with a lot of tough stuff! I could list other times during those months that I could pinpoint as a grieving...but looking back now, I realize, I have been grieving for about 9 months. 

I am thankful for the goals that God laid on my heart early on in this process with Dave. 1) Be real...and I did a lot of that through this blog. 2) Learn all that God had for me to learn. I believe that was accomplished! He taught me so much and I am still learning...as time goes by, I see more unfolding in it. God is good! 3) Not just survive the journey, but thrive in it! (there's a sermon in that one!) The journey was HARD, but I am so thankful that God sustained in incredible ways. He truly met every need!

So, as I sit here today, I sit in amazement at all he has done. He is bringing healing to my heart. I walk in joy and peace. I rejoice knowing where Dave is right now! I have a deeper, more intimate relationship with my loving Jesus than ever! I can't wait to see what he has next for me. I am LIVING! And I am not just living, I am living abundantly! ONLY JESUS can do that after the loss of a spouse! 

I am thankful!
I am blessed!
I am loved!

51 Days Later...

I had no intention of blogging today, but I feel like I need to. I was in bed last night settling in for the night and I started messing around on twitter. I came across Dave's account...I saw his picture...it is so strange how those moments hit you. I read his tweets...his words. That's what I have left! Memories, the things he left his mark on in this life. I have pictures of him all through the house, but something about that picture stirred my heart and mind. 

I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church. I was killing a little time and messing around on facebook when I decided it was time. I have mentioned that I miss being married. Along with that, is the fact that I do not feel married and haven't for some time. I think it was probably in December when my role switched from wife to more care-giver. It has been a long time since I felt like I was a married woman. I miss it...a LOT! But the picture I had as my profile picture was a picture of Dave and I. Today, I changed it to a picture of me and my kids. This is life now. I am moving forward in this process. They are who I put my efforts, energy, and emotions into. Another small step forward...

I went to church, as always, expecting the Lord to move. And He did. Our worship lately has been so powerful, Holy Spirit filled, moving! And today something happened to me during worship. The worship leader introduced a new song to us as a church, but it was not new to me! I have sang it many times in my van while driving, but today it REALLY hit me differently. It might be because it was the first time I have heard it since Dave died. And it might be because of where I am right now. Whatever reason, it was profound to me. The song is "Here's My Heart" by David Crowder. But I think you could sub-title it "The Widow's Song"! Here are the lyrics and what went on in my mind and heart as we were singing:

Here's my heart, Lord

Here's my heart, Lord

Here's my heart, Lord

Speak what is true!

I am found!

(As a 41 yr old widow, I could feel very lost! Where do I fit in? Most widows are much older than I am. I am a single mom too. I have a pretty unique position in this life and could easily feel so lost in this world...BUT I don't! Thank you Jesus!)

I am Yours!

(I may not belong to a man on this earth, but I do belong to my Savior! I am his daughter, his bride!)

I am loved!

(I don't have a husband here to hold me, to tell me he loves me. But I AM perfectly loved by the one with unconditional love!)

I'm made pure!

(Through the blood of my Jesus, I am made pure. He sees me covered in the blood of his son and I have the promise of heaven. I am pure in his eyes! Just like Dave!)

I have life!

(I have known people who when they have lost a loved one, life seems to stop. Life stopped for a time for me through his illness. Caregiving became my life...but life is continuing for me. I feel it. I see it. I am doing it! I have life!)

I can breathe!

(There have been moments when the pain was so heavy that I felt like I couldn't breathe! But that is being transformed into thanksgiving for what God has done for Dave and for me. I would NEVER ask him to come back to this life! He has eternal life with Jesus! Praise God! And because of that hope, I can breathe deep, the beauty of those promises! Thank you Jesus for giving Dave an eternal home! And thank you for your word that makes my life so much easier to process and be filled with the hope you offer!)

I am healed!

(I can not say, I have been healed in this grief process yet. I have a long way to go before I can say I am healed in it. BUT, I am better than I was 50 days ago. God has done amazing things in me! My view of my life is much different today than it was 50 days ago. I am learning and growing! In the eyes of Jesus the healing is done...I just have to walk through this normal, weird process called grief!)

I am free!

(This encompasses a lot! Too much to write about. But I already feel the chains of this process falling off of me. I am lighter in heart, mind, and spirit! I walk in the hope that God's word promises...FREEDOM!)

You are strong!

(In those moments when I have felt so over-whelmed and weak...days when it hurt too much to go on, He has carried me! So thankful for the strong arms of the Savior!)

You are sure!

(There is so much uncertainty in the life of a widow/single mom. So many questions and not always enough answers! BUT, God and his word ARE SURE! I can count on Him and what His word promises to me! So thankful!)

You are life!

(Life continues...because of the hope in him! Dave didn't stop living, He just started his eternity of life! He would want me to continue with my life too! And the best way to do that is with my Jesus! Life does go on...because of Him!)

You endure!

(Life with Dave came to a close. But life with Jesus goes on forever! No matter what I have to endure, God will give me the strength to endure! 

-did you get that??-

You are good!

(My motto early in this cancer process became 

"God is good! All the time! No matter what!"

Sticking with it! It's true! He has been SO good to me!

Always true!

(I can count on Him! He keeps his word!)

You are light breaking through!

(I have had MANY dark days, nights, and in betweens! BUT God's goodness always shines through those moments!)

You are more than enough!

(I know I am not enough to walk the path in front of me. It is daunting and hard. BUT God is MORE than enough for me to not just survive, but THRIVE in it! He will get me through...and He has!)

You are here!

(When I don't like where I am, whether it is a decision that I have to make that I don't want to make, or if it is those moments when I REALLY miss having my husband, He is here with me NOW, in that moment! Thank you Jesus for being here! For never leaving me!)

You are love!

(I miss getting a text that says, "I love you babe!" But I have a whole book that shows me the perfect, unconditional love of my Jesus! I have a lifetime of stories that SHOW me He loves me! He is perfect love...if I never marry again, I am loved!)

You are hope!

(A while back, I stated that my future in the eyes of earthly standard seemed hopeless...BUT I serve a God that LOVES to work in hopeless situations and pour himself out so people can see him and say, "ONLY JESUS"! Jer 29:11! I have a future FULL of hope!!)

You are grace!

(I am so thankful for his grace! I have had moments of walking in the emotions of the day...He is FULL of grace for this weary, sinful woman!)

You're all I have!

(And He is truly all I need!)

You're everything!

(He has become my everything...the one I desire and love! And when we have him, we have everything we will ever need!)

Here's my heart, Lord!

Here's my heart, Lord!

Here's my heart, Lord!

(What better hands could I put my heart into? I have a heart that needs his loving touch of healing and wholeness. I have a heart that at times aches with missing my husband. I have a heart that has wounded places that only Jesus can heal! And I know in time, He will complete the work that needs done!)

Speak what is true!

Here's my life, Lord!

Here's my life, Lord!

Here's my life, Lord!

(He has my life. I know I have a ministry ahead of me, serving women. I am waiting on him to open the doors and lead me in whatever direction that will be. My life is his! So thankful that he can use me to do his work! A life submitted to the Lord is never going to be dull!)

Speak what is true!

I think this song was my sermon before the sermon today! I am so thankful that the few words in this song, spoke so many words to my widow's heart! God is working and moving in my life. I am moving forward...and I have hope! 

47 Days Later...

Today stirs so many emotions for so many reasons. 

TODAY...I have a 6th grader, a Junior, and a SENIOR! UGH!!! I remember as a kid hearing one of my mom's friends state to her that every time she had a Senior (and she had 6 kids) it was an emotional year for her. I didn't get it then. I do now! All the lasts, thinking that this time next year, odds are we will be a family of 3 in this house. (AND I will have ANOTHER Senior!) There are many life changes in the coming school year. I have a feeling having a Senior this year will create a whole new realm of emotions! I am VERY thankful and feel so blessed though to have her in a great Christian school this year! (That is proof of Rom 8:28!!!) 

TODAY...I am a routine fanatic. Routine helps me in so many ways! We have not had what feels like a "Normal" routine for months! Today marks a start of routine for me. I am still not babysitting, I plan on starting that up towards the end of Sept. I still have some appointments to take care of and a LOT of sorting and organizing in my home. But, routine is so good for me. So with the start of routine, brings some emotions. On one hand, the fact that routine is so beneficial in my life, makes me happy. I know I am more disciplined when there is schedule. I will accomplish more and be more on top of things. But I also know that today marks the "New Normal" for us. THIS is what life is going to be like without Dave. THIS is how day to day will feel. THIS is what we are going to experience. THIS is when it will all hit us...

TODAY...is an ugly anniversary. It was 1 year ago today that we heard the words "Non-curable Cancer". I remember that very surreal moment sitting in the Dr's office. It was SO hard to believe. Dave appeared completely healthy. He had NO symptoms of cancer at all. He was working hard at his job at MAG and it was going so well. We were faced with decisions of trying a trial drug or just letting what happens happen. We left that appointment and went to eat dinner together. Both of us somber and quiet. Tears filled eyes as we sat and ate at Wendy's. I could barely eat, sick over our news. I remember looking at him and saying, "Dave, if cancer takes your life, the truth is, YOU WIN! You get Jesus!" And less than a year later, he got Jesus! 

TODAY...I miss Dave. I miss being married. I miss fixing a cup of coffee for him every day and packing his lunch. I miss doing his laundry. I miss his occasional text message telling me he loved me. I miss his kisses. I miss his strong arms around me. I miss him. 

TODAY...my life is SO different. I am walking the trail of grief. I am thankful that I have more good days than bad. I am thankful for the MANY adventures we have all had in the past 47 days! Life has not been all bad! I am thankful that through the journey of deep sorrow, I have experienced true joy...God has blessed and poured himself over me in many ways. He has redeemed some of the pain I have experienced. Through it all...

TODAY....

EVERY DAY...

I can say, God is good! ALL the time! No matter what!

38 Days Later....

Life has been SO crazy since that night. He died then it was gearing up for the viewing...then the memorial...then the next week, getting the girls ready for Chicago...then it was me getting ready for DC...then packing for Mackinaw City, MI for our family vacation. Honestly, there has been little time to really allow it all to sink in. I have moments when things just hit like a brick wall. And sometimes those moments are really good...like when God just pours Himself out over me!!! But things do hit. 

Things like...

I miss being married. I see couples holding hands and I think, "I might never experience that again on this earth." Or, I think about never kissing my husband again. I enjoyed our kisses. I miss our kisses. I miss getting a text in the middle of the work day saying, "I love you Babe!" Babe was my favorite nickname that he called me. When Dave and I met, I was looking for a husband. We met on-line. I have no intention at this point to "LOOK" again. For now, my plan is raising my kids and seeking out the ministry He has for me. I have seen several quotes lately on God's love for his Bride and my heart can't help but smile when I think that I am the Bride of Jesus! And He truly adores me! So thankful for that truth.

I have no one to call. When mom and I were in Mackinaw with my kids, she called dad and let him know we made it ok. It really hit me there, that the other times I had gone away like that, I would call Dave and check in. I couldn't do that. I wanted to call and tell him that I missed him and fill him in on our adventures. But I can't. It was a slap of reality for me.

I have made some decisions on things for my kids. I didn't have him to talk those things over with. It was all on me. There are many times in life when two ARE better than one! 

I have had car trouble since he passed away. It all got taken care of thankfully. I knew the day would come for me, but it hit way to quick for my liking and my very talented mechanic husband wasn't there.

These are somewhat little things, that when you are grieving your spouse, become really big things. I have been walking and seen a couple together and had to gear my thoughts elsewhere or the tears would flow. I see friends on facebook talking about their husbands and their date nights together...I get envious. 

I always said the worst loss would be my child. That is not the natural order of life. But, as I have been processing my grief and thinking about this journey, it hit me that the ONLY relationship that God refers to as "The two become one" is the marital relationship. You can not "compare" what loss is greatest, but losing a spouse is a horrible loss to walk through. And I am journeying that heart-breaking road. I only had 8 years with him. But I was counting on a life time. Every so often I realize that I really am a 41 year old widow....it is sobering.

I have sat and thought about what he is experiencing. I know only my selfishness could ask him to return. My love however, is ecstatic for him and what he has in front of him, for all of eternity. As much as I miss him, I could NEVER ask him to come back to me. 

So, what next? Life goes on. Time doesn't stop. What is next in this journey of life for me?

For one, continued healing. I have plans to join a support group, with a Scriptural base, in September. I look forward to what God is going to do in my life in those 13 weeks!

I am setting some goals as a mom. Like one-on-one time with  my  kids. And a family night at least once every 2 weeks. Schedules are CRAZY, but I know we need that as a family. I have a Senior year ahead of me with my oldest and so that brings its own emotions and challenges! 

I am working on some personal goals for me. I have GOT to get the weight off that I have gained through this process. I am starting to make a few changes, just can't handle too many at once for now. BIG success for me is that I have not had pop in almost 3 weeks! That is HUGE!!! Adding little things, till I eventually make big changes! Another personal goal is to read more! I always say, I love to read, just don't have time for it. I lay in bed every night and watch tv for an hour or so before I go to sleep...I am reading a chapter (or more) each night. Currently, I am reading "Confessions of a Grieving Christian" by Zig Ziglar. Excellent book!!! At times it is like reading my own story. 

I am also gearing up for our fall women's Bible study at church. Last year was the first year that I was in charge of it. God has burned a passion for women's ministry in my heart and I am excited to see how He will use me! I am open to whatever doors he opens for me...even if it means I gotta step outside of my comfort zone! God has a purpose and a plan for me. I knew that before Dave found out he was terminal. Now, there is a whole new realm of women that I can relate to! God is going to use this...just waiting for doors to open. Until they do, I will serve where I am. And I LOVE leading our Friday morning studies. So, I am taking steps forward in my life. 

I know this isn't my typical blog. I think I just needed to write where I am and where I have been. For the most part, I am doing really well. My hope is in Jesus! I know where Dave is and what he left behind! I envy him! I am happy FOR him! But I miss him terribly! I can't take off my wedding ring. I know it is not the time for that yet. I made an Origami Owl locket for him and wore it to the viewing and the memorial. I put his wedding band on it. I have a hard time, not wearing it. I LOVE wearing it! If you see me and ask me how I am, I probably will respond, "Good"...I even responded with "Wonderful" the other day. Weird. But yet, I know where I am in this process. I know what Jesus has done in my life and heart. And I am wonderful because of him. It doesn't mean the pain isn't still there...it just means I have true, sweet, beautiful HOPE! 

I am blessed!

26 Days Later...

Here I sit, last hour or so in my hotel room in DC. I have reflected much during this trip. I have had moments of sitting along pools of water over looking the beauty that man's hands have made in these huge monuments. I have read words of faith, determination, remembrance. I have loved every minute of seeing the beauty and history of our great nation. 

But, the most memorable times of this trip are not what I saw, as much as who I saw it with and the things we shared together. Sometimes I think God just oozes his goodness over us because He loves us that deeply! He doesn't have to give us extras, He is enough! But He does...and I have been on the receiving end of a tidal wave of His love and goodness! (Beauty in the ashes, mourning into joy, praise instead of despair! Is 61:3) 

I got off the plan in DC and hugged a "stranger", well to a degree. We had never spoken on the phone, we had only messaged through facebook and a few texts on our phone. But our bond was strong. We have the bond of understanding the pain we each have experienced. We have the bond of a passion for our loving Father. We have the bond of Jesus! And the first night, we stayed up and shared our hearts for our God late into the night (or maybe it was early in the morning!)

We have walked slowly through the streets together. We have laughed and cried together. We have sat and listened to worship and sang together in our room. We have shared our hearts together and we are sisters through eternity! All because of Jesus.

Yesterday, I had the added bonus of meeting one of my friends from college. We have not seen each other in about 15 years. She and I went to lunch and did a little sight-seeing then on the way to the hotel she said she wanted to treat us to dinner and anything else we wanted to see! Such a bonus on a trip that I have been lavished over! 

So the three of us went to see a few of the things we had not seen yet. She took us to Georgetown to an INCREDIBLE restaurant! We sat out on the patio overlooking the Potomac River and the Kennedy Center! AMAZING view!!! Delicious food! Sweet company! And our talk almost the whole night was on our Jesus! I love the way God orchestrates our lives and I KNOW Sonia was blessed as much as I was by Cynthia's company! I love when God blesses us with people who relate and can truly bear each other's burdens because they have walked that path! Cynthia was that for Sonia! SUCH a gift! Both Sonia and I said our trip could not have had a better last night!

As we went to bed last night and I looked through the photos we took, one struck me. I FEEL like it has been forever since I last saw Dave's face and held his hand. But I saw my face in a way I have not seen it in a while...or maybe it just truly struck me differently...

I was smiling...

Not that I haven't smiled or laughed up until now. I was even smiling and laughing with sweet friends the night he died! But seeing that picture and knowing the love of Jesus that has been poured over me. The sweet fellowship with dear sisters in Christ. Knowing that God has a plan for me and it is good and FULL of His hope, (and I am walking daily in that hope) I was able to say...

"Life goes on!"

I think every time I see that picture of me and my dear sisters, sitting on that wall, experiencing all that God has poured over me in the recent days and weeks, I will be drawn right back into that hope and thought...

"When life seems to stop, 

When the rug of hope is pulled out from under you, 

With Jesus, 

Through the hope of God, 

With the arms of his family and the Lord himself wrapped around you..

We can live an abundant life! 

It does go on!

His plans are good!

Our future is FULL of HIS HOPE!

And I can smile and laugh and LIVE full of His love for me!"

So, to end this trip and to end this blog today, a note to my dear friend!

Sonia~

You have lavished me with the love of Jesus! You are a gift straight from His heart to mine through the toughest days of my life. And you have given me a sweet time of fun, fellowship, and much needed refreshment after those hard, hard days! You are an incredible, Godly woman and He IS using you in ways that I truly can not pen. His circle of goodness in my life includes you! My heart is forever knit with yours and I am so blessed to call you my sister! You are loved, not just by the perfect love of our Father, but by me and many others that truly know you and see you! Sister, God has such amazing plans for you! Your passion and zeal for Jesus is truly contagious and has been a joy and treasure in my life! I love you dearly!

God is SO, SO, SO, SO good! I am truly blessed! Jer 29:11

Flowing Tears...

Tears are freely flowing this morning. I am sitting in my hotel room in Washington DC alone this morning. And I am reflecting on the past few weeks. 

It has now been 24 days since I said good-bye. I miss him. As I have walked around DC, I have seen so many things Dave would have enjoyed. I wish we could have visited here together. But I carry him in my heart and my mind. I miss him. Every day I miss him. Some days I miss him so much I ache. But my tears today are not because of my ache for him.

My tears today are because sitting here, only 24 days after, and I see God redeeming in my life. I see him redeeming in ways I never expected. I knew he WOULD redeem...He said he has a good and perfect plan for me...and it is full of hope! But I didn't expect to be poured over so quickly.

How I came about this trip is nothing short of a miracle and gift from God. Last March, one of my friend's from church put a post on Facebook. It went something like this:

"I have 2 friends from 2 very different places in my life. And they need to meet.

Stephanie meet Sonia. There I introduced you. Now start chatting.

You will figure out why I thought you should meet."

So we did. We friended each other and started chatting. We have spent hours chatting on Facebook since. We have tasted very similar loss in our life. Both of us, the man we loved, and we have both lost because of cancer (although hers was her mom). As I have walked through this "Valley of the Shadow of Death" Sonia has walked with me! (All the way from Colorado) She KNOWS caregiver, final good-bye, the beast of cancer, missing someone so much it hurts. She knows the loss of losing the man she loves. She relates. 

She is here for a conference for work, And she gave me the invitation to join her. So, I ordered my plane ticket and flew out to meet her. Both of us wondered, "Will this be awkward? I'm sharing a hotel room with a stranger (Well kind of)!" But as I walked toward her in the terminal, I couldn't wait to hug my precious gift from God! It was so natural and I was thankful! 

We got to our hotel on Friday night and decided to go sight seeing a little We are right on Capital Hill, so we walked to the capital! I have never been to DC, so this is all so new and exciting for me. I am in awe as I walk around and see history. It really is a beautiful city! We went back to our hotel room and began the night of talking! We wept and laughed together! The thing I loved most about our conversations is that our favorite topic is Jesus! We cry over his work in our lives! We cry over the fact that he is so good and blesses us with so many things we don't deserve! We were up till 1:00am talking and it was hard to turn off the light and sleep! 

Saturday we got up and went to Arlington to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and the changing of the guard. If I had to pick the one thing I have always wanted to experience, this was it. I walked through the cemetery and enjoyed standing in silence at the changing of the guards. I couldn't help but think of my husband and my loss, but not with pain in my heart, but rejoicing that He is home and no longer suffering. We walked back to the mall and visited the Korean War memorial, and the World War II memorial. We sat with our shoes off and put our feet in the cool waters there for a bit. Again, a time of reflecting on God's goodness to me. 

It is really hard to describe what those last weeks were like. Please don't misunderstand me when I say I felt trapped. I felt like I was on a deserted island. (It was truly an honor and privilege to care for Dave during this period of time.) But, I sat there, free, no having to hurry back, no wondering how he is doing, I am free of that part of my life. And Praise God, so is Dave!!! It has been so refreshing to be free from it all. No responsibility. Just free. I am still adjusting to this part of my life. And it seems to be one of those things that hits in waves.

We got up and left and went to the White House. We then decided to go back and rest up for a while before venturing out again! I was told that I have to see the Lincoln Memorial at night. He is my favorite president, like the Solomon of the United States! Full of wisdom and love for God. So, we ventured down to the Lincoln Memorial. WOW! I was blown away! As we stood and looked at this great man from history, sitting in his seat, overlooking the Washington Monument, I couldn't help but think how much more amazing it will be to stand before my God sitting on his throne, surrounded by angels! The grandeur of that room blew me away! BUT someday...and Dave already knows! We sat on steps of the Lincoln Memorial for a while, reflecting. Enjoying our moment. Two women who know great loss, but an even greater God! So thankful!

Sonia has a friend who has a daughter living here in DC and she offered to pick us up at our hotel and take us to church with her. I was thankful I was going to church, but I was also really missing my home church. I HATE missing a Sunday at my church! As we are driving, she asked if we knew anything about National Community Church. We didn't so she proceeded to tell us about how they operate. She then says, "Our pastor is Mark Batterson, author of 'The Circle Maker'...and he is preaching at our service today!" I was so excited. I was given a booklet that high-lighted the ideas of that book over a year ago and I have wanted to read it! So cool to attend his church today! Just a little gift from God. We get to church and the people are so friendly and welcoming. I am so thankful for the family of God. Instant connection with others is a gift! We begin to worship...SO much like my church...as we go through the way they do things, and the feel I get in that room, it was as if I was at my home church! I felt SO blessed! Another gift from God. Then, they announce that visitors go to the table in the lobby and they have a gift for us, it includes a copy of "The Circle Maker"! HOW GOOD IS GOD???? He sees me...He loves me....He gives me bonuses that tell me I am vital to Him. Our new friend invited us to lunch with her and her boyfriend, so we went to her apartment for lunch with her. It was really neat to see what those little apartments in the city look like...and it made me very thankful for my house and mortgage payment in Urbana, OH! Our time around the table was sweet, sharing our God stories, talking about the work the Lord has done in our lives. God gives an instant bond! 

She walked us to the metro and we boarded for the Smithsonian! Since we walked over 10 miles on Saturday, I think both of us were ready for a little less movement...and the AC was much enjoyed. Although, God has blessed us with a nice breeze and lower than normal temps! (Another little gift!) 

My favorites at the Smithsonian?? The First Lady exhibit with all the beautiful inaugural gowns! Then of course, the Ruby Slippers and Kermit! (still a kid at heart I guess!)

We came back to our hotel and spent time talking again. We have shed tears together, but I don't think any have been tears of heart ache. Only us being so overwhelmed in God's goodness. 

Today, she has conferences, so I am sitting in our hotel room alone. I have thank-yous to get done from the funeral. And I never complain when I have down time to reflect and pray! My sweet friend, fixed me coffee while I was still in bed this morning. And she left me a gift as she was leaving. As I opened it, one by one, it was not just her, but Jesus giving those gifts! Books, some I have been wanting and some I didn't know I wanted! Tears flowed not just because I could see the fingerprints of Jesus on this gifts in the bag, but because God's fingerprints are all over our friendship! 

When I planned this trip, I knew the timing would be good. I knew it would be a time that God worked. I knew we would be blessed in meeting each other and sharing face to face talks and tears (and coffee!). BUT, God has poured himself out in so many ways on me. I sat, feeling very isolated at home, little fellowship, trapped, through those hard, hard days. He is redeeming those hours. I sit now, weeping over how GOOD my God is! I worship in praise that God is so good, that he took Dave home to heaven! Death was completely defeated, not just when Christ rose again, but when a believer breathes their last breath and they are forever with Jesus! 

GOD IS SO GOOD!! Thank you Jesus for every good and perfect gift! 

19 Days Later...

It has been 19 days since I said good bye. That sentence stops me in my thoughts. ONLY 19 days...

Much has happened in the past week. My days have been pretty busy. I have squeezed in some time with family and friends. My two oldest are in Chicago with the team from our church on the annual mission trip. My son has had his cousin here for several days since his sisters have been gone. We have been non-stop. 

Last Friday, I was able to pick up the death certificate. I remember the way I felt when I looked at my children's birth certificates...so many hopes and dreams for that life. I wondered what it would hold. This time, I looked at my husband's death certificate. That's it. No more. At least not here on this earth! (THANK YOU JESUS for that sweet, sweet HOPE and assurance!) But for me, my husband is gone. I am sure you have heard that the dash is what matters...December 29, 1967-July 5, 2013. Dave lived his life. He worked hard. He laughed. He was celebrated. He loved the Lord. But I held in my hands, the end of his earthly life. It is really weird the things that go through my mind in this process. These were just a few of the thoughts that day. 

On Monday, I was able to pick up his ashes. The funeral director met me at the door and went to get them for me. He walked out carrying a blue velvet bag with a gold cord ribbon. He carried it so respectfully and gently. I signed the proper papers and then he asked if he could carry them out for me. Again with such respect and honor for the life that was now in his hands. I drove away with my husband. Sobering. I am not one to display his ashes as the focal point of the home, so I cleared a shelf in my bedroom. I placed our wedding photo, a plaque with Jeremiah 29:11 (my verse for this phase of my life!), a wedding gift we received (the willow tree angel called "promise" of a couple dancing) and his ashes in the blue velvet bag. I really don't know if I will keep them. I really don't know if I decide to scatter them, when that will be...but I know eventually I will know what to do. But for now, they are mine and will be with me. 

Tuesday, I got the call that his boss had the money for Dave's tools and tool box. It was such a blessing that I didn't have to go get that huge tool box and then have men involved in helping me sort and sell all of that. I walked into that office upbeat and happy. Just thankful for this blessing. Then when we were done, his boss said, "We thought so much of Dave. It really saddened us to hear about him." I told him, "You were the best boss he has ever had, no one else in the business ever treated him with the dignity and respect that you did..." tears poured as I told him what a blessing this job had been in our lives. That it was truly a gift from God and we were both so thankful for it. I walked out with tears streaming and they continued to pour as I cried out loud for quite a while. Another taste of the finality of my husband's life. 

I got home and decided I might as well go take care of more on the to do list. I went to the bank and again, "My husband passed away, I need to take his name off of our accounts." Words are so painful...usually they hurt the one that is hearing them, these hurt the one speaking them. It was so simple...that doesn't seem right. That quick, just a piece of paper and his name was gone. 

I came home and decided, might as well deal with more. So I went to the title department and took his name off the titles to our cars. More of those words, "My husband passed away so..." I will be glad when I don't have to take care of more of the business side of this and can just share my heart and story that God is writing in my life.

It felt so good to get those things accomplished. I have DREADED those moments. I still have a few more items of business to deal with concerning his passing, but the list is shrinking. I am so thankful for the strength God gives in those moments. And I am truly thankful Dave was willing to go with me in March and make sure this would be as simple of a process for me as it could be. SO SO thankful for that!

This journey has been so hard. I am STARTING to feel like I am settling into life without him...although I know it will be a while before I am completely there. I guess it is more like the house is beginning to not feel so odd. Baby steps forward...some healing...I am starting to adjust...and I am thankful!

For weeks, I was in a position of not being able to leave Dave alone. I was stuck here at home day after day. Only leaving for brief periods of necessary time. I am very social! I love time with my friends and being out of the house. This period of time was so hard for me. I felt so isolated and lonely. And at the same time, I was dealing with watching my husband fade away...

But...I know a Great Redeemer...and he is GREATLY REDEEMING...

Friday, I have the HUGE blessing of flying to Washington DC to join a friend on her business trip! Only expense to me is my airfare!!! WOO HOO!!! I was introduced to her through a mutual friend. We have only met through months of messaging on Facebook! So, in a sense, I am meeting a stranger...but I'm not. I am meeting a dear, sweet friend/sister in Christ! She lost her mom about 2 years ago to cancer...she has walked that road. Through this process, she has been a support, encouragement, someone I could ask questions about cancer and hospice care, she is truly a gift that I will cherish the rest of my life. And I get to meet her! I will be there until Wednesday next week. 

Then, on the 3rd, my mom and I are taking my kids and heading to Dave's home state and hitting Mackinac City, MI. We are going on a mini vacation and going to Mackinaw Island for a day. Spending time on the beach, doing a little sight-seeing, a whole lot of relaxing...and some good memory making! 

I get back on Thursday and then on Friday and Saturday I get a big ole dose of Jesus and I head to Women of Faith! Someone paid my way a while back and now I get to go soak up some fellowship, encouragement, challenge, and worship! I can't wait! 

I think you could safely say that God is redeeming the time I spent in our home caring for my husband. (and there's more, but I will save that for another time!) 

God is giving me a whole lot of beauty in the middle of such a hard place in life. I sit back and think about everything and feel his love pouring out all over me! In the middle of it all, I can say, I am blessed!

I have mentioned that God gives me songs...I think I have found my theme song for the year ahead...I know with His help and me walking through this process in a healthy way, I am an "Overcomer" no matter what is ahead. 

I am so thankful for the words of hope in the word of God...

Psalm 30:5b & 11

"...weeping, my remain for a night,

BUT rejoicing comes in the morning....

You turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more

than all we ask or imagine, according to his power

that is at work within us, 

to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus

throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen!"

God is good!!! ALL the time!!! No matter what!!!