"NEW" Details...Part 1...

My blog world friends know that my word for the year was "NEW". I have blogged many times about the struggles of my year, but didn't give specific details because I choose carefully what I write. I don't want to reveal what I shouldn't and bring shame to anyone. 

However, I feel it is time to share details and share my story of 2014. It was not the "NEW" I ever would have picked. It's not the way I would have chosen my year to go...but this is how it went...and with her permission...this is our story.

Sarah is my oldest child. She has a radiant personality. She has also been the one to give me the most gray hair! We have had struggles in our relationship for several years. She is a very "determined" girl and we butted heads often. 

Everything came to a head though in February, when after some bad choices she made, I put my foot down and told her if she didn't want to follow the rules in our home, she was free to leave.

And she did.

And I was devastated.

I walked through it at first with my feet firmly planted on the truth of the word. God gave me the word "No matter how today's page in my book of life looks, the enemy does not get to write the final chapter". And I was trusting God that He would bring my prodigal back home. I knew it could be long. I knew it could be painful. I knew it could be hard. But I also knew He was holding her. 

But...then in March...the grief hit. And it hit hard. I sank into somewhat of a depression over her. This was her Senior year and I was missing everything that I as a parent, who had raised their child, should not have to miss. I would sit in my van at the bus stop and she would walk by me like I was invisible. Knife to the heart. There were choices made that shattered my already broken heart into even more pieces. It was a HARD season for me.

I then started to question God..."WHY?? After all I have been through, why this?? Why now?? Why her?? I am not Superwoman. I am human." My faith was rocked at it's core this year. I was angry. I was alone. I was rejected. 

In July, she came home for about 2 months. I was walking in the hope that we were on our way back to being mom and daughter again.Things went well for the first month, then we started having some of the same issues again. Choices were being made that I could not tolerate in my home. And so I spoke with her again and told her that if things didn't change, we would need to make some decisions. So she left. 

Again.

She chose what I would not choose for her. Now what?? Jesus, help me get through this process. 

Around the end of October she and her boyfriend came over one Sunday afternoon to visit. She then told me she had some news for me and showed me a picture of a pregnancy test that was indicating positive. I was going to be a grandmother. She was going to be a mother. 

Emotions all over the place. Thoughts started spinning. 

She is 19. Her whole life is ahead of her. And now a baby. 

They left and I went outside and did a LOT of crying and thinking and talking to God. I sat for over an hour and poured out my heart. 

This is not what anyone would choose for their child. But it is where I am...now what?

As I sat and cried and prayed and cried and cried some more, the Lord spoke two things into my heart and mind..."Stephanie, I breathe life...I gave that life..." and He also reminded me that "My ways are not your ways...trust me!" 

That helped, but my emotions were so raw and my thoughts were all over the place. So I did what I knew I had to do...I plugged into truth. I scheduled an appointment with my counselor and dug in deep to what God promises in His word. I was blessed that this happened to fall during the week of two special services at my church. 

On Wednesday, I attended Fan into Flame. My first one to attend in the five years I have been at Fellowship. And the first word spoken was "If you are facing disappointments in life, raise your hands and then those around you will pray over you!" Ummm YES!! ME ME ME!!! And several laid hands on me and prayed! And I could feel the peace of God being released. Then the last word shared was "You need to be thankful for something...start thanking God!" And so I did. I thanked God for the gift of a sweet grandbaby! The gift of life! She could have chosen an abortion and no one would have ever known. But she didn't. And so I did. I thanked God that I have a sweet grandbaby to look forward to holding. 

Progress.

By the next evening, I was doing better with it all. There was a worship and prayer night planned at our Springhill campus and I attended that as well. I went with a much different heart and mindset than I had even the morning before. God was filling me with peace and love. And I was able to go, pray, and worship my Savior. 

I have had the privilege of being at Sarah's doctors appts with her. The last one, I saw my grandbaby...the little hands by the little face! I have heard the sweet heartbeat twice and twice my heart has skipped a beat!!! FINALLY...one I can spoil then send home! Or pass off when they cry...or have a poopy diaper...

Sarah is now more than my daughter. She is my friend. Our relationship has transitioned and it is fun and many times beautiful. I got to buy her, her very first maternity outfit...she looked so cute with the baby bump that is forming! Such an honor for me. And when I looked at her standing there, I was in awe. Not just over the fact that I saw my daughter who is going to be a mom, but I saw the gift of God's restoration of a broken relationship. 

Sarah has been open with my kids about her choices and that they need to choose better. She is seeing and I am thankful! This road could have been so much longer...and so much uglier...

She gave me a card for Christmas and I want to share what she wrote...as I read it, the tears poured...Thank you God!!! You are so good!!!

Mom,

There are not enough words for the love and appreciation we have towards you!

 You are the best mom a kid could ask for and soon to be the best GiGi a grandkid could ask for! 

We love you so much. And I thank you for raising me in a loving Christian family! 

We love you more than anything! 

Love, 

Sarah and Jeff

"NEW"

On January 1st this year...when I knew what my word was, I though I also had an idea about how my year would go. I had done the hard stuff....for a long time. So the "NEW" was going to be a year filled with good stuff. Smooth sailing. Happiness. Contentment. Joy. Maybe even love?? Then February hit and the "NEW" was not what I anticipated. It was more of the hard...really hard...faith rattling hard. 

But when I sit today and reflect on the 361 days that I have called 2014, I see "NEW" and lots of it. As I walked the path, I didn't see the turns, twists, and destination. But God did. His ways are not my ways. And His ways are good...I don't just have my daughter back, I have a friend. 

And that my friends is "NEW"!!!

The End of My "NEW" Year...

This year has been a year full of things I did not anticipate walking through. As you all know, the Lord gave me a word for the year and it was "NEW". Well, this year was full of new, but not the new I had anticipated. 

My year started out with lots of new...I was losing weight, embracing the life God had given me and accepting where I was in life, filled with hope for a wonderful, better year ahead. 

Then "life" happened...basically a shattering for me. Within about a month, I found my faith being shaken at it's very core. I tried to walk through strong, full of hope, but hope was lost. I questioned God..."WHY??? After all I have been through?? WHY MORE PAIN?!?! I am human. I have been through ENOUGH!"

The Lord did breathe hope into my life throughout this year. I can't say that I have walked a victorious, faith-filled year, but I kept walking. I read a book this spring that helped me out in this process. The Lord let me know that I was gripping dreams and hopes, too tightly. I had to release (well, He had to do some prying)  my fingers off of those dreams and hopes that I held so dear to my heart. I had to trust Him in a way that I never had to before. It was not an easy process...I can be a tad thick-headed...but lovingly He worked and wooed my heart to the point of me letting Him have my hopes, dreams, pain, loneliness, relationships, anything that had a higher place in my life than it should have...it was challenging and a process, but He faithfully got me through it. 

I had the wonderful experience of visiting IHOP (International House of Prayer) this summer with a dear friend! That was a "NEW" experience for me and changed my life. God spoke clearly to my heart while I was there and so much hope and renewed strength was poured into my heart while we attended. The word from the Lord was powerful and life altering and I am so blessed to have that NEW experience!! Now, to figure out a way to get back there and soak up the prayer room again...

I continue my weight loss journey! Through the difficulties this year, I stopped really working on it. I am now less than 10 lbs from my goal and I feel amazing! I am continuing to jog and I still love it! I had some knee issues in Sept that got me off the track for a while, but it didn't stop me!!! I feel great!

Another NEW....Myrtle Beach! I have cherished, wonderful memories from that trip! I am so thankful and blessed that as a single, widowed mom, I was able to take my kids there!! We laughed...we made memories...memories that I cherish and hold close to my heart!

A very NEW thing for me, is  in July 2015, I will become a Gi-Gi...a Glammy Grammy!!! I am in denial that I am (old) enough to be a grandmother...but apparently I am! I am excited about this little one that God breathed life into...I got to see it's sweet little face in an ultrasound last week...it melted Gi-Gi!!! Oh be still my heart...

I remember standing in front of my Bible study group in Oct and sharing a testimony that God was running out of time for Him to do His "NEW" thing in my life. But, as I sit now, on December 17th, 2014, and I look back... I see it. He is so faithful...

Life. My life is NEW. I am in a completely different place today than I was on Jan 1, 2014. I am a new person. I have sat on the potter's wheel for most of this year. It is a hard place, pounding, stretching, forming, smashing, then forming more...the Potter's hands at work. I hope I look a little more like Jesus than I did on Jan 1, 2014 this year. I know I have had that "deepening" in my walk with the Lord  that was spoken over me at IHOP. Oh, we have gone deeper...painfully deeper...but I sit today rejoicing. I SEE the NEW...it was a slow process. Not something that happened over night, but I am a NEW creation...so many old things have passed away and become NEW in my life. 

God is STILL doing some NEW things as the year draws to a close...I am listening, following, and filled with hope. He is such a good, good Abba daddy! I am looking forward to the next adventure in the new year...I think my adventures have just begun...stay tuned! 

Thanksgiving...

I have done a lot of reflecting today. Reflecting over the past year. Not just the 2014 year, but thinking about where I was last year facing the upcoming holiday season.

This year has had some high highs and low lows. Of course, this being Thanksgiving, I am thinking about the things I am truly thankful for...

I am thankful for healing. Last year, this was by far the hardest day of the holiday season. I remember I could not get past the void I felt...the empty chair that was next to me on that holiday. I fought tears the entire day, even as I was eating dinner with my family. I still feel the void, but it is much easier this year. 

I am thankful for those who have walked with me through this year. This has been a really hard year for me personally. I have battled things that only those closest to me know about. I so appreciate them listening to all of my whining (and there has been a LOT of it)...and letting me cry out! I really needed that support and it is truly appreciated! Love you!!

I am thankful for change!!! One year ago, I was 50lbs heavier...today I ran. I have worked hard to get myself in a healthier place and I have learned so much through this process! I ran my very first official 5K and a passion for running was birthed in me! I had almost 2 months of knee issues that put me in a non-running place and I was so scared I would not get to run again...but I am! I lost a lot of what I had build, but I am rebuilding. Running is therapy! It's my happy place! It is mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. I have learned so much about myself and beat many things I didn't think I could beat!! Now to get off that last 20 lbs...(today probably won't help that endeavor!)

I am thankful for provision! God has provided for me and my family in crazy amazing ways! I am facing a big loss of income starting in January, and I know though it may be tough and faith shaking, God will provide for me...cuz He promises He will! 

I am thankful that His ways are not my ways. This is a bittersweet mindset because truth be told, I really want my way. But there is such comfort in those words...when I see chaos, pain, disappointment, loneliness, even an empty chair, I can rest knowing this is not where my story ends! Early this year, the Lord gave me a word that I have clung to frequently, "No matter how today's page in the book of my life looks, the enemy does not get to write the final chapter!" I don't understand why He does what He does, or allows what He allows, but I can trust, rest, and KNOW...

He redeems! 
He restores! 
His plan prevails! 
He loves! 

I am thankful for those around me today that I love. As a single mom, it's me and my kids! I am thankful for each of them and I am so thankful that I don't spend this day alone...I get to enjoy it with them!! (plus a few others!) 

I am thankful for HOPE! There have been many times this year when hope was absent from my mind and my heart. Times I had to just choose to believe the promises of the Word, and there were times that I didn't really believe and I doubted. Everything I saw in front of me wasn't making sense and seemed void of hope. But God does fill our hearts with that hope we need when we plant our feet on His truth. And I am thankful for the grace He pours on me when I doubt.

I am thankful...thankful for a wide open future. Thankful that I can embrace the adventure. Thankful for a loving Abba Bridegroom who never leaves me and loves me like no other! I am thankful that He has a plan for me and it is good and full of hope! Today, I am thankful that His ways are not my ways...

I am thankful for those who have walked through my journey in the blog world...thank you for reading my words, my heart, my story, my journey...

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!!!

Umbrellas....

I was doing my devotions this morning and the author was talking about umbrellas...and my mind started to wonder...or maybe it was the Holy Spirit at work.

I am facing a road in life that requires complete Holy Spirit control. It is not a road that I want to walk and truth be told, if I could rewrite this chapter, I would. But I can't. I can only CHOOSE how I am going to walk it. 

This is what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me...I have an umbrella, we all have one. And it is not a small umbrella. It is the umbrella of influence that I hold in my hands. I saw words all over my umbrella, the words are my motives, my attitudes, my actions, my story, my choices. Whether I realize it or not, there are many people that stand under my umbrella. Many don't have a choice to be under it. (my kids, my family, those in my sphere of influence) But the thoughts that began going through my mind were "Stephanie, what words are on your umbrella? Are they words that would DRAW more people to desire to be under your umbrella, or they words that would make people to prefer to stand in the "rain" than be under that umbrella??" Hmmm...Ouch??

Then my mind went to the other umbrellas that influence those that I love...other relationships in those lives. Some I can not control. Some I honestly do not like. But is my umbrella going to provide a preferred shelter in life? Is it going to be a better influence than the other umbrellas that they may stand under? What does it take in this life to have the better influence?

We all choose. Every day we choose. To do life God's way or our own way. There are times when everything in me does not want to do it God's way, but I know his way is best. And I choose. I know honoring him, even when no one else sees the sacrifice, is given an eternal measure of reward. I would be lying if I said that I was not at times, battling my flesh and my spirit in a way that I can almost visualize. There are moments when the spirit is winning and then there are moments when the flesh is rearing its ugly head and working hard to conquer. But all it requires is me choosing God's way to truly win the battle...even when there is no apparent victory on this earth. 

I know when I do it God's way, I prefer to hold that umbrella and others will prefer to be under it, because my umbrella is a much more peaceful, joy filled, loving place to be. I was left with the thought, "What does my umbrella say?" 

I leave you with the same thought...what is written on your umbrella??

Revisiting THAT day...

Grief is a psychotic beast. Things are smooth sailing then the wave hits and knocks you off your feet. 

Yesterday, more than a year later, I walked into 2 funeral homes for viewings and also attended a funeral for the first time. I knew it could stir some things. But I didn't know it would stir so much. 

The first was for my aunt. I went alone. I walked in knowing many faces, but not sure which would remember me. Those situations take me out of my comfort zone. But I pressed forward because I know what it meant to have people there for me in those moments. 

The second was for a wonderful, loving, funny, Godly man from my church. I first met his wife, Betty, 4 years ago in my "Breaking Free" Bible study. I fell in love with this sweet, Godly, wise woman! I even told her she was my "adopted church mom" and she continues to refer to herself that way! Virgil, her husband, as well as Betty are the face, hands, and feet of Jesus in human form. He served in many ways in our church. He greeted before the service frequently and always offered a hug and his beaming smile! And as a bonus, since I have lost my weight, he referred to me as "skinny lady"...not gonna deny how much I loved hearing those words! A couple of weeks ago, Virgil had a stroke, and like Dave, the Lord decided to give him the ultimate healing and took him home. 

Virgil's viewing was held at the same funeral home as Dave's. I dreaded walking in. I would be lying if I said, there were not multiple times I wanted to turn my van around and drive back home. But I know retreat is not the answer when we battle. Even if it is just a battle of our comfort. And when I got there, I couldn't just walk in, pay my respects, and walk out. There was a line...a LONG line. A line that required me to wait and look around, and walk through, and stand, in the same room Dave was in for 80 long minutes. I was alone again. I couldn't get out of line and go chat with someone I knew, because I would lose my spot in the line. So I stood the majority of the time in silence with my thoughts and emotions. I watched Betty, standing by her husband, and remembered. I remembered hugging so many. Saying the same words, "We know where he is....his life's work is done...I will see him again." I was revisiting THAT day. I thought about her all day, the time she spent in front of a mirror preparing to walk out of the door to go see that face that she loved. How hard it was to make the drive to the funeral home. How much you don't want to get out of your car and walk in. If you could just fast forward to the day it doesn't hurt any more. The psychotic beast of grief then takes you to the flip side of the beautiful hope we have in Jesus. Just knowing what he is experiencing! The joy that is in front of him. The fact that he gets to worship at the feet of the One who is Worthy. As I stood in that line, so many thoughts went through my head. It was hard and I wanted to retreat, but I knew I couldn't. And truthfully I wanted to be there for Betty. I know. I have been there. And I did it. Steps forward yet again...

This morning was the funeral. And just like Dave, it was held in our church. I walked in alone. I sat in the back. I hoped someone would sit with me or I could find someone I knew to sit with through the service. I really didn't want to be alone. God brought a sweet man who is a pastor locally to join me. He and his wife prayed for Dave and I and have followed my journey some since Dave passed. We were able to chat and it was a time for me to rejoice and share how God has provided so greatly for me through the past year. It was a sweet time of testimony to God's goodness in my life.

As I sat, I also watched. I watched as Betty took her seat. The seat of honor as I referred to it. The seat of the widow. The one who loved that man like no other person has loved that man. I remembered so vividly when it was my turn. I remember feeling the strength and presence of the Lord so closely. How in that moment of the deepest pain a soul carries, being able to also rejoice and worship in awe because we know where our husband is at that very moment. The service begins and words are shared. We laugh. We cry. Then we worship. We stand in awe of our loving Jesus who has made the way that we don't deserve. I watched Betty and remembered exactly how I felt that day, as she stood and lifted her hands in praise of our Savior, I remembered. I felt again, all I felt THAT day. Such sorrow, but such hope. Such sadness, but such joy. Such peace...that passes our human understanding. 

Then it was my turn to walk by the family. I hugged her close and I told her. I told her I felt her heart. And I did because I have that widow's heart as well. I remember. I don't think you can ever forget. 

I know I have been called to minister to women. I had no idea that one I would reach out to as a new widow would be one I admire so much. And my heart aches for her and for the days she has ahead of her. I love her dearly and I hurt for the pain she has ahead. But just like me, she knows the Prince of Peace and I know Betty will walk through this process and rest in her Jesus.

I shed a few tears through the funeral. Touched by the love of our Savior and the love others had for Virgil. I shed some tears knowing the pain they are experiencing. As I left and drove away though, the dam broke and the tears poured. They poured because I was there just one year ago...and I was there again today. But I was there with the eyes of one who's heart has been touched with the salve of healing that only our loving Jesus brings. I sat in that psychotic moment of one who is grieving and healed at the same time. It was a bizarre, painful, beautiful moment. As wordy as I am, I don't have the words. It was as if I was in two places at once. I sit now, with tears streaming because of it all. 

As much as this has touched my heart and life, today is not about me. Today, I honor Virgil Haynes. He was a light in this dark world. His smile brightened the room. He loved those that Jesus loves. He was the hands and feet and heart of Jesus to the world around him! (and he called me skinny lady!) So, Virgil, do me a favor and say hello to Dave for me. Tell him, I am good. I am really good! God has blessed and provided and healed! I am embracing and living life and it is GOOD!!! Virgil, you are loved. My life was blessed because I knew you.

And for you Betty...you are a woman of incredible faith. The road ahead will be not be easy. There is a new normal. You loved deeply and because you loved deeply , the pain is deep. And I know you wouldn't have it any other way. You too, are a shining example of the Savior's love on this earth. I admire you. And I am honored to walk this journey with you. I have been and continue to pray for you. I am only a phone call away. I love you deeply! 

THAT day...that day when you taste what God has so freely offered. The peace of knowing where our husband is because God has chosen to give his son for us. He is worth of it all. 

I saw the funeral director today that worked with me when Dave passed away. I think it is only fitting as I remember the song he shared in his office as I was finalizing Dave's arrangements to share it yet again because He is..."Worthy of it ALL"!!

1 year....365 Days Later...

One year...12 months...365 days...so hard to believe. 

It feels like forever since that day. 

This week has been one of much reflection for me. I was told on Friday, June 28th last year that Dave would not make it through the night. But he was a strong, strong man, clear up until the end, and a week later, he crossed the finish line of this life. 

One week...

That was the longest week of my life. I have reflected much this past week on what we were all walking through a year ago. I sit today and think "How did I do it? What kept me functioning for an entire week of waiting on such a painful moment?" I remembered the nights of not having a nurse here all night and having to set my alarm every two hours to go see if he was still here or to give him his pain meds. I remember the nights when I had a nurse here and I would awaken with every step in the house wondering if they were coming to get me because it was time. I remember my friend calling me from church on Sunday morning so I could listen in on the worship that morning. I remember friends stopping by with a coffee or just to sit with me. I remember the many hours spent by his bed, holding his hand because I was determined to be there when Jesus took his other hand and welcomed him home. I remember the hours of waiting... I remember so much about that week...

I have also reflected on my year of healing. I think part of what makes it so hard to believe that it has been a year, is because of where I sit today. 
It has been a year of discovery for me. 
It has been a year of deep pain for me.
It has been a year of continued faith walk for me. 
It has been a year of seeing what I am made of. 
It has been a year of setting goals and reaching them. 
It has been a year of days of loneliness.
It has been a year of support.
It has been a year of deepening friendships.
It has been a year of AMAZEMENT at the way God has blessed me and provided for me!
It has been a year of challenges. 
It has been a year of at times, disappointments.
It has been a year of divine appointments.
It has been a year of LIVING!
It has been a year of learning to be content and embrace the journey, even when it is HARD!
It has been a year of God moving and directing.

I am a one year old widow today. One year. I feel like it has been forever since that day. I feel like I have done life alone for much longer than one year. 

But today, I don't walk in sadness. Which honestly has surprised me. I rejoice in knowing where he is today and has been for the past 365 days! I wonder what he has done, who he has talked to, what he thinks and feels. Someday, I will know! 

I rejoice knowing that when life is hard, we have two options...to grow bitter or better. I did not want to sit at the end of this journey of grief and be an angry, questioning, not trusting my Savior person! I wanted to be whole, healthy, and trusting in the goodness of God! I am so blessed and thankful to sit today, embracing this life journey that God has given me! My story is not over, He is still writing it. And I trust that the best is yet to come! 

I thought I would write a letter to Dave today and share it with you, my blog friends! 

Dear Dave,

You have now spend 1 earthly year in heaven. I can't help but think of you every single day. Not with sadness, but with rejoicing for you. There are days I really miss being your wife. I miss your laughter and your smile. I miss the way you shook when you laughed your hearty laugh. But I would never dream of asking you to come back, not even for a minute. 

I had my first dream about you just 2 weeks ago! It was so weird to converse with you. To hear your voice again and see your mannerisms. It really threw me that after almost a year, there you were. As upsetting as it was, it was also good to "see" you again. So strange this grief process...

I am doing well. I think you would be pleased and it would bring you peace to see where I am today with my life. God has taken care of me, just like I told you He would. I am living!! I am embracing where I am right now. And I look forward to whatever adventure He has in store for me. Maybe you already know...

I just want you to know that no matter where my life goes, you will always be part of it. You were a big portion in "The Life of Stephanie Szalla"! Though your part in my story ended one year ago, you greatly affect the plot in the rest of my story! God changed my life through knowing you. I learned Him in ways I never would have otherwise! You were a great tool He used in my life. I am grateful!

I am so thankful I got to walk your last 8 years on this earth with you. I am so glad we lived out our vows!!  I am grateful that I was holding your hand in that sweet moment for you! I am thankful that you "adopted" my kids! They still miss you as well! 

I rejoice knowing you are LIVING in a way I can only guess about, but someday will know as well! I am so thankful that you knew Jesus and made sure I knew you knew Jesus as well...it has brought such comfort and peace through my grief journey!

You are not forgotten...you never will be!

Love, 

Stephanie

One year...12 Months...365 Days...I wonder what I will be writing one year from today?? I wonder what life will hold for me in the next 12 months?? I wonder what God adventures I will walk through in the coming 365 days?? 

Whatever it is, I am ready! And I am thankful to have known this man. I am thankful that I sit where I sit today. I am thankful for healing because of my Jesus! I am so thankful that God has never left me, even when I FELT like He had, He never did. Not for a moment. 

Today, I reflect, and I look forward as well...

Today....

1 year later... 

I still say, "God is good! I am loved! I am blessed!"

346 Days Later...He Gives and Takes Away, Blessed is His Name...

He gives and takes away...my heart will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord!

I just walked through both of those experiences...The Gives part...

I had the awesome privilege of taking my kids for a week away to Myrtle Beach. Sarah last saw the ocean about 6 years ago. Kaitlyn has only seen the ocean once at the age of 3. And Trevor had never seen the ocean. And it had been years for me as well! I never understood why people would want to go year after year to the same place for vacation. I always thought , "Mix it up if you can go on vacation every year!" But now I get it!! I think I could be an official "Beach Bum"!! I can not remember the last time I had a vacation that lasted an entire week either. A few days away is always great and I have enjoyed them thoroughly, but going away for an entire week like that was so refreshing! 

I have had a rough few months as I have shared! This trip was such a gift...the timing of it was perfect, especially after the season I have just walked through. My oldest is leaving for the Navy in Sept and I really wanted to make some family memories before things change permanently for us. And it was wonderful!

Days spent without a care in the world...I reflected often about the past year + of my life. It has been the hardest period of time I have walked through in so many ways. And as I laid there, ocean water on me, sand between my toes, and the sun beating on my body, all of it was a lifetime away! I didn't have to get up and be responsible!!! Ahhhhh!!! My kids are old enough that they were self sufficient. I didn't have to fix breakfast or lunch for anyone. I didn't have to help them get dressed. It was a stress-free, responsibility free, job free, time for all of us. 

We laughed...a LOT!!! Mom cut loose and got goofy with the kids. We made dance party videos in the van while we were going here or there! We took walks on the beach...I took walks on the beach alone and even ran twice!! We ate out at some really good, fun restaurants! We shopped and splurged! The girls parasailed, we rode the skywheel, went to Pirates Voyage, and hit the beach as often as possible!! 

The timing of this trip was perfect for us. We are approaching one year. One year! 365 days! So hard to believe...it feels like a life time ago. My life has moved forward. I am embracing it and honestly loving it! I took my kids to Myrtle Beach. I did that. As a single mom, I was able to do that. I drove us there. Drove us around...I did it! It felt amazing as their mom to be able to do that, especially after the past year for us. What an honor and a blessing. It was really empowering for me as a single woman to accomplish this for my family. I needed that boost. There have been times in the past few months, that I really didn't want to do single. It was overwhelming and I felt like there was no way I could do it. Now I do. It has been a process for me in the past 2 months of accepting, embracing, and learning to love where I am in my life. God has worked and moved and I am thankful for a place of contentment and accomplishment. The refining fires are not fun, but they are always worth it! 

I would be lying if I said that I don't hope to be called "wife" again. There are many things about marriage that I miss. And I would be lying if I said my eyes are not open! LOL!!! But I am ok until God brings the right man into my life. I've made my list of "must haves" and my lists of "wants" and God sees them and He sees the "him" He has chosen for me. Until that time, no matter how long it is, I am happy. I am joy filled. I am embracing. I am content.

The Takes Away Part...

Yesterday was a tough day for our family. It was the first Father's Day without Dave. It was a weird out of sorts day for us. The first day back from vacation and day filled with church then baseball. It was a tough day. Another slap of our reality. Another "first" after loss. 

I asked my son how he was doing with Father's Day this year, he responded with a "so so" response and then I saw him wiping tears. I see the void most in his life. He needs time with guys. It doesn't matter how great of a mom I am, I CAN NOT be the man in his life. I am praying that God will send men to pour into this boy who is becoming a man. He so badly needs a Godly male in his life. Someone to spend time with him and pour into him. And just be guys together. I watch him as he is with the guys on his team, he glows! I know he needs so much more...and thankful his Abba sees it too!

Tomorrow is yet another "first" after loss. Tomorrow would be our 9th anniversary. I know tomorrow I will reflect on that evening 9 years ago...and the journey that those 8 years together took us on. Maybe tomorrow I will share some of those things...I know my mind will be busy...

My last blog was on the "Greater Invader" and in my losses, I still see that there is a Redeemer. I have tasted both the giving and the taking in this life. I think after you have experienced loss and pain, the blessings are that much sweeter! As I walked and reflected last week, I was truly overwhelmed by the good things God gives his kids. He has blessed me. He loves me perfectly and completely! He empowers me to walk this painful, wonderful life. I am thankful and blessed more than I thought I would be...and I am not yet to the 1 year point of this journey as a widow. He blows me away in how He has worked in my life. He has healed in so many ways. He has refined (and is still refining this woman) and I am thankful for that process. He is good! And I am thankful!