With some things like grief...the only way through it, is to go through it. And this has been another season of grief for me, just a different kind.
I questioned what God was doing and at times, even doubted his goodness. I hate that I was there, but it is the truth.
I am thankful I sit here in a much better place. The Lord has reached out and worked, leading me into new focuses and His truth. He used a great new album that has ministered to my heart and I am thankful! I started focusing on God's perfect love for me, allowing it to flow and pour even when I really didn't feel it. He has brought me through a season of not being CONTENT with where I was...a big part of that was with my singleness. I really miss being a wife. I miss male companionship in my life! I have amazing female friends and I am so thankful for each of them, but I miss hearing a man's voice on the other end of the phone! I am praying and have asked friends to pray that God will bring a Godly, loving man into my life when His time is right. My problem was, I wanted to help God along...and just was not happy with where I was in life. God has worked though and I am thankful to be in a place of contentment and trust again...He has a perfect plan for me and will act at the right time for me. Contentment...it is a good place to be.
On another note. I have shared earlier this year, that I had made some life style changes. I was losing weight and starting to train for a 5K! I am now down over 50 lbs since Dec 9th! AND...drum roll please...I ran my first official 5K yesterday! I was so nervous and excited...I had never been to a race...ever. I didn't really know what to expect. I was blessed to run for the Children's Rescue Center in Clark county. Some friends from church organized the event and there were a lot of people from my church who ran. These people have watched our journey through cancer, the loss of Dave, and the process that I have gone through. They have loved, prayed, and supported me through it all! Some have been on the Isagenix journey with me too!!!
My goal was not to beat my personal best time, and I didn't yesterday. My goal was to run an official 5K race...and I did! We lined up and the gun was fired and we ran! And as I ran, everyone began passing me...I really wanted to keep up with them, but knew I had to pace myself. And I did! It was hard and there were times, I just wanted to walk...to give up on my goal. But I knew I had to do this! I had to prove to me that I could overcome my limits. When I run, I blast my music in my ears. It's all I hear...and I do some praying and focusing on the Lord. I started thinking yesterday as I ran, about all I had faced in the last year. The things I had "overcome" in my life. I take no credit, God has gotten me through it all...but it has been a HARD year. And I have made it. I thought about crossing the finish line and what it would feel like to say, "YES! I DID IT!!!" And I kept running...and breathing HARD! LOL!!! I continued remembering what the past year has held for me..the good and the bad.
This race was not just a race for me. It was symbolic of my year. Pushing on through grief when you just want it to STOP! Pushing on through the pain, the empty place that was once filled with my husband...thinking that it would be awesome if Dave could see me cross the finish line! I was there for him when he crossed life's finish line! I thought about the "impossible" things that became "possible" in my life in the past several months...and this was a biggy!! Yesterday was a picture of my year...the last 365 days of my life...and it has been 318 as a widow! WOW!!!
As I finished that last mile...and rounded the bend, there was the finish line! Like I said, I had never been in a race before and really didn't know what to expect...but there was a crowd of people that I could see was waiting and watching...I could see the clock ticking the seconds away...I was there...I did it! I was victorious! And I went out with a bang and poured on the speed in that last stretch! And it felt amazing to step on the blue mat and clocked my time at 37.35! Not bad for a first timer! Everyone cheered, a medal was handed to me by a handsome little boy and I celebrated!!! I did it! I accomplished what I never thought I would accomplish! And as I looked around, I saw faces of people that I love that celebrated not just with me, but FOR me. Such love and support. They know. And I can not thank them enough!
I sit today, proudly wearing my official 5K shirt! Still hardly believing I did it! The race was such a picture of my year. I am quickly approaching the 1 year anniversary of Dave's death. Last year, I wondered where I would be at this point in my life...and here I am. And I am ok...even with the pain of what I have been through in the past few months, I am ok. I have my bad days, but I am coming back and planting my feet much quicker! I am allowing His love to flow over me and believing it...and walking in it!! I am ENJOYING where I am in this life!
Earlier when the "storms" hit, I wondered where the "new" was for me! (Remember my word for the year??) I am seeing glimpses of that now...the "new" is being content...not always an easy place to be...especially when you feel like you are the only one in your shoes...when you carry a load that is meant for two! When you face wave after wave of pain...but through Jesus, contentment and joy and peace are mine! "NEW" is accomplishing some of the impossibles in my life! And it feels SO good!!
I continue to run this race called "life"! And I hope and pray I run it in the way that honors and glorifies the one who deserves all the praise for what He has done! I want to fight the good fight, finish my course, and keep my faith!! Thankful for all He has done for me!