Monday, June 29, 2015
It has been quite a while since I blogged...life has been insanely busy for me!! Preparing for a wedding, getting my house listed (much sooner than planned), then selling my house (a WHOLE lot sooner than expected) along with the buyers wanting possession at closing, has thrown life into a tail spin of activity. Plus, I'm still a mom with normal mom stuff! To say that I have been non-stop is an understatement! It has been stressful! Good stress, but still very stressful to say the least! Thankful that I am seeing the light at the end of that tunnel though.
Selling the house has brought on a lot of reflecting...a lot of thinking. As I began the packing process, it brought up 9 1/2 years of memories. This was the home I shared with Dave. We spent time in his house in Michigan, but this was where we lived. This was where we spent our marriage...the "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...till death do us part." So, as I started going through things, many memories surfaced. It stirred lots of emotion. Many thoughts...and it's time to share some of those things.
Anyone who has read my blog or knows me personally knows that my word for last year was "NEW"...and though it was the 11th hour, God came through! I just had no idea how new life was about to get. And now, that new is all staring me in the face.
Dave and I had a hard marriage. We went through a lot...the hardest being his 3 1/2 year battle with cancer. This was the house that we walked through 6+ months of testing and the roller coaster of "he has cancer, no he doesn't, he has cancer, no he doesn't"...it was an emotional, very hard time not knowing what the future held for us.
This was the house where we finally got the definitive word that he did have cancer...then we began the surgery process...several surgeries and procedures. I watched the man I was married to endure so much...I nursed him and cared for him...here in this house.
This is the house that we got the word that he was finally "CANCER FREE"!!! We had some good scans and all looked like life was finally going to move forward! We put it behind us and trusted that God had healed him.
This was the house that we were told "there is nothing more that we can do outside of attempting some experimental medication...you decide!" And he fought. He tried to beat it. We prayed for healing...people around the world prayed for him to be healed.
This is the house where Dave received eternal healing...my room is the room where I first sat as a widow.
This is the house that I walked through grief in...along with my kids. I learned so much about grief and that insane process it takes a person through. I was given a new, more sympathetic understanding for those walking out that process.
This was the house where new came in...the promise God breathed into my heart and mind for 2014...I saw it take place right in front of me!
This was the house where I heard I was going to become a Gi-Gi...and my sweet granddaughter is due any day now! I can not wait to be there when she takes her first breath and hold her and kiss her and love her!!! I can't wait to make memories with her as she grows!!! Exciting days are ahead for me!!
This is the house where I logged into my Christian Mingle account...and got a smile sent to me that would change my life...it's the house where he walked up my steps to meet me for the first time...it's the house where I started dreaming of him...and it's also the house that I am leaving to join him in the life we will have together!
I have lived in or around Urbana my entire life. In the past few weeks as I have been running errands, I have looked at this town with different eyes. Eyes that knew my time here was coming to a close. "Bittersweet" is an understatement!!! Part of me is torn knowing who I am leaving behind...but I also see who is waiting for me!! There are times that I feel like I have had to "choose" between those who walked with me through my darkest days and the man who offers me a life like I never dreamed I would experience! Bittersweet indeed.
As we loaded up the truck Saturday and I watched my house empty out, it was surreal. Though this house holds many good memories for me, it also was the place of the hardest days of my life. Days I will never forget, but also don't ever want to relive. The thought that keeps running through my mind with every box, every piece of furniture that went through the door was
"...to bestow on them a crown of beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of the spirit of despair!"
I reflected on the verse I held onto through terminal cancer, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I clung to those words when my future truly seemed hopeless...when I didn't know if I could keep my house...when I didn't know if I would have to get a job or who would even hire me with my resume' (or maybe more like the lack thereof!)!! When I didn't know if I could go on one more day.
And God came through!
And He will always come through.
I walked out the door and headed to the place I will soon call home...as I pulled into our neighborhood...emotions filled, thoughts flooded...I never dreamed I would experience the "American Dream"...not with facing life as a widow. We will live on a cul-de-sac in the all American neighborhood. I wanted a motorcycle a year ago and actually considered saving money and buying one...my man has a Harley and we LOVE going out on rides together!!! I prayed that he would have a son about my boy's age so Trevor would have someone to grow up with and enjoy...his son and my son are so much alike it is scary!! They laugh, play, joke, thoroughly enjoy each others company!!! And they are in the same grade and 6 months apart in age!! My hearts desire has always been to be a stay at home mom...and not have to worry about bringing in money...his job will allow that for me! God is so good to see the desires of our hearts, that in the realm of eternity, don't matter...but they matter to his kids and so they matter to him! He's a good Abba Daddy!
I am blown away, not just by my circumstances...all those bonuses God has given me, but by the man I am joining in this life. I could not have asked for more in a spouse! He is wise, funny, hard working, loving, considerate, a gentleman, a great dad, a man of prayer, giving, compassionate, strong, supportive, encouraging, handsome, and he is mine! I have been so blessed by HIM! If you took away the bonuses that he brings into my life, I still got the prize when I won his heart! I am blessed!!!
I would be amiss if I didn't include some words to those I am leaving behind as I move. My church, my friends, and my family.
Though I know the Lord is the one who got me through the journey of cancer, I could not have done it without His gift of you! You were "Jesus" in human form in my life. I walk away with deep mixed emotions. I am thoroughly excited about the life ahead of me, and at the same time, incredibly sad to say good bye to daily life with you all.
My church- you have been a rock in my life. I could not have walked through that process without all of you. The cards, prayers, visits, words, gifts, meals, and most of all your love and support meant the world to me and I will always hold you all dear to my heart!
My friends-thank you for the laughter, the times I complained and whined and you still listened, your love! I have so many wonderful memories that I will always cherish! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep in touch!!! I love you all!
My family-I am thankful that distance will not keep us apart.
As I close out this blog...there is a song that is very fitting for where I am and it happens to be by one of my all time favorites-Steven Curtis Chapman...ENJOY!!!
I am so thankful for the beautiful things that God has blessed me with...He redeems and restores and does it in exceedingly, abundantly, greater than I could have imagined ways!!