I think my blog has become my Journal..telling you where I am and how I am feeling. The nurse left today telling me that she didn't think he would be here in 4 days. She told me if things changed to call immediately. Within an hour, there were changes in his breathing. So, I called and they came back to the house. She examined him and then told me she didn't know if he would make it through the night. It hits like a freight train...emotions vast as the ocean, mind spinning like a tornado-the phone calls and texts started and responses of encouragement and prayer flooded my heart. His family came in from Michigan, they had planned on coming tomorrow, but decided even before this to come tonight. I am thankful.
So, here I sit...at 1:00am waiting, praying, thinking. Waiting on the dreaded last breath. Praying that it comes quickly so his suffering will end. Thinking and wondering what will be next?
I am thinking of the hope I have because of Jesus. So easily in these moments we can fall into the "Life isn't fair" mentality and honestly it isn't. Life is HARD! But because of my Redeemer Jesus, I have the hope that God will use this for my good. I know he has a plan for this that will blow my mind when it comes full circle! I know he is going to use this someway, somehow, to reach others. Because of my Savior Jesus, I KNOW that Dave will soon be home in heaven for all of eternity. And because I know Jesus I will see my husband. I do not have to say "Good-bye", I can say "See you later"! That brings me such peace. A peace that only comes when you know him.
I think I can speak for Dave and give you a message from what he would say to you if he could!
So from Dave to you...
"Life is short. Life is hard. Life is painful. But there is an answer to our hurts. I made a decision many years ago that changed not just my life, but my eternity. I chose to see myself for what I was, a sinner. One that on their own, on my good works, could not ever make it into heaven. The Bible says that our righteousness, the best parts of us, are like filthy rags. The Bible tells me that my efforts can not get me into heaven. And it also tells me, that Jesus chose to die on the cross for me. And three days later, he defeated death and hell and rose again. The Bible tells me that if we confess with our mouth, that Jesus is Lord, and believe that God raised him from the dead, if we will humble ourselves and ask him to save us, HE WILL! And in that moment, we are sealed for all of eternity! We are promised from the one who can not lie, that he will save us from an eternity in hell. I am nearing my last breath. And if I could choose any good thing to come from my passing far too early, is that someone trust Christ because of this. If my death can make an eternal difference, it would flood me with joy. This journey has been hard for my family to watch and endure. But they know that in that moment of my last breath, I will immediately be with Jesus...and it brings comfort and peace to their minds and hearts. If you wouldn't have the same comfort, ask yourself why...maybe you need to meet my Jesus! He is waiting on me. He is telling me that I fought the good fight, I finished my course, I have kept the faith. And he is welcoming me home!"
I believe that is the message Dave would leave with you. If you do not know Jesus as your Savior, you can. No sin is too big, no life too far gone. His blood will cover it all! And it would bring hope and healing that this death was not in vain. But good, eternal good, did come out of it.
I made a song list on my phone entitled "Songs for the Journey". I have added to it for quite some time. Songs that really ministered and spoke to my heart throughout this process. Songs that I know were gifts from the heart of God to my heart. They speak deeply to me I decided to play them and close my eyes and pray tonight. The first song was one written by a man who has truly grieved. He lost his daughter in a tragic accident in 2009. He has walked through the valley of the shadow of death. He has stood on the holy ground by his daughter's death bed when the angels gathered her and took her to heaven. I want to share it...it speaks where I am better than any word I could write to you.
This is not how it should be. This is not how it could be.
But this is how it is. And our God is in control.
This is not where we planned to be, when we started this journey.
But this is where we are. And our God is in control.
And we'll sing holy! Holy! Holy is our God!
So as I sit by his bed tonight, with these words being the cry of my heart, I ask for you to pray. Pray that his suffering will end. Pray that our loving Jesus will come quickly and pick him up in his loving arms and carry him home to heaven.