Just Me

Sunday, March 30, 2014

268 Days Later...New Mercies...

Less than 48 hours ago, I was on here pouring out the pain I was walking in that day. I was really, REALLY struggling to grasp the truth I know and not the emotions I was feeling. I pictured myself in the ocean, sinking in the water, doing all I could do to grab onto a rock that was slippery from the huge, crashing waves...my arms were trying to hold on, but I just could not get a grasp on that rock...

I have walked through a lot of thoughts. I have cried more tears than I thought possible. I have shared with dear friends as they listened and lovingly supported. I have even enjoyed some time out with my son and friends last night...which helped so much! 

All those are good for us. One of the most valuable life lessons I learned through grief is that I DO need to feel. I don't have to be strong. I CAN fall apart. I NEED to release that emotion. 

And then, I HAVE to grasp truth. I have to climb up on that Rock, in the middle of the storms and crashing waves, and focus on my Redeemer that is walking towards me and saying, "Trust me. You CAN walk on this stormy water!" And then, bravely put one foot in front of the other and walk into His open, loving arms.

And that is where I am today. 

I think about where I was 48 hours ago. My circumstances have not changed. My hurt didn't change. And if you asked me what was going on, the tears would probably flow again. But my view is different. My hope is secure. My eyes are on the prize. 

I know me pretty well after 42 years...but my Jesus knows me better. I know what I have to do to replant and refocus. I flood my heart and mind with good worship that encourages what I am choosing not to believe. I read the Word or a good book to encourage doing what I really do not want to do. And thankfully, since He knows me better than I know myself, He brings truth to my mind and heart that I need to hear! But then, it comes down to letting go and trusting the One who will not fail. My pride gets in the way. I don't want to admit I was holding onto something tighter than I was holding onto Him and His truth. I have to admit to myself that there was something in my life, though very real and painful, that I was focusing on instead of Him...oh our sinful, human nature. I look forward to the day when it will no longer get in my way! 

Jesus reached out to me...actually, He never stops reaching out to us. His arms are always outstretched welcoming us. As my Abba, I can climb up on His lap like a little girl and cry or laugh or just sit and let Him hold me. As my Bridegroom, He looks at me with perfect, complete, adoring eyes and His love flows into my life. I am so thankful for that beautiful truth! He thinks I am amazing and beautiful! He loves what He sees in His creation. Today, I am walking in the love of my Jesus! And I am thankful, even in the midst of my circumstances...His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me! 

Today at church, our worship reached me. We sang a song that I LOVE...about the Father's love for us. If I am honest, I wasn't walking in that on Friday. I was even doubting His goodness and love for me. I FELT like He had abandoned me...although I knew He had not! So, I share this song with you now...His love NEVER fails, never gives up, never runs out on me!
Today I am thankful...I am thankful that His love does remain and NOTHING can ever change that. Thankful for the Rock that I can stand on! Thankful for a Savior who holds me and loves me. I am blessed!

His mercies are NEW every morning...GREAT is His faithfulness!

Friday, March 28, 2014

266 Days Later....

I am not sure where to begin or even what to share tonight. I've have walked a tough few weeks. I have had some really good moments and some really hard ones. They are deeply personal and so I have to be careful with how and what I share.

God has brought me through the grief of Dave. I believe that the healing has taken place in my life that needed to occur. I have been walking on the path of "NEW" and embracing my future. 

However, a little over a month ago, some things occurred in my life that really threw me. I never thought I would face what I am facing, especially so quickly after walking the journey of terminal cancer and losing my spouse. Basically I am going through an entirely new grief process. The grief of dreams, hopes, and relationships. 

I have found that my faith has been rocked at it's core. I have questioned God...I have asked "Why?" I have doubted so much. Part of me hates to write this...and the other part says, "be real." How much should one person have to go through??

God has been doing some amazing things in my life this year. He is moving and allowing me to get more involved in women's ministry at my church which has been a huge tug on my heart for a long time. 

I have been on a health kick and made some drastic changes in my lifestyle that I love and am excited about! 

So, why when the bad creeps in, do I forget the good?? Why can't I remember those moments when He carried me?? Why isn't He enough right now??

To be honest, right now I don't know. 

What I feel is the pain my heart is feeling. 
What I feel is the uncertainty of my future. 
What I feel is the unsettledness at my core. 
What I feel is rejection. 
What I feel is devastation.
What I feel is grief...again.

So, I blog tonight in hard core truth of where I am.
I blog tonight with many more questions than I have answers. 
I blog in deep pain.

I have said that my blog has been my "free therapy"...there is something about getting on here, getting real, and stating truth before I am done...so tonight, this blog is for me. (and maybe it will be for you too...)

I stated before how I feel...now I will state what I know.

I know...that God is good...even on my worst day, He is still good!
I know...that He has a plan for me! And it is filled with hope and it is good!
I know...that He works ALL things out for the good of those that love Him!
I know...that He thinks I am to die for...and He did just that for me!
I know...that He truly, completely, perfectly, adores and loves this woman.
I know...that He is the husband to the husbandless!
I know...that He never leaves me or forsakes me!
I know...that I am not HOPE-LESS...but HOPE-FILLED because He is in control of my life!
I know...that He has blessed me with dear friends who have been there every step in this                           journey! I love you and am so grateful for each of you...you know who you are!
I know...that He has collected a LOT of my tears in the last few weeks and is storing them in a                   bottle...or two or three or hundreds.
I know...that He is holding my heart! 
I know...that His way is best...even when it hurts in the moment. I can trust Him.
I know...that I am his beloved Bride and His child.
I know...that He is my bridegroom and my Abba!
I know...that He can do a much better job at handling my life issues than I can!
I know...that He is good...all the time...no matter what!

I think I needed that list...I need a refocus. I need hope breathed into my lungs and His healing touch for my broken heart. I'm not there...but one step forward is better than one step back...

Music is big for me...you all know that by now. So, I am leaving you with a song that speaks to me...it speaks where I sit right now...the truth is, do I trust Him? Do I really trust His word that He redeems my pain? That he gives me beauty for the ashes in my life? I have proclaimed it and seen it in my past, do I believe it for my present too?? Some days we just have to make a deliberate choice and say, ":no matter what I trust you!"

Father, no matter what, I choose to trust you! Your goodness, kindness, faithfulness persist through the night! I will trust you. All my hope is found in your love. I will trust you. My whole life is found in your love. Father, fill me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

250 Days Later...and a Special Day for this Blogger...

Today is a special day...it was 1 year ago that I became a blogger! (and it is also my birthday!) I had debated for quite a while on starting a blog and decided that on my 41st birthday, it was time. 

Blogging was something that I never knew I would grow to love. I had no idea how God would use it in my life during the journey of Dave's last days and also my walk through grief. I had no idea how much it would help me to learn to be real and not just be strong because "that is who I am." Blogging has become one of my favorite things to do. 

I want to celebrate this gift today. I am thankful for each person that has taken the time to read my blog...which amazingly has been read over 14,000 times! That BLOWS my mind! I am thankful for each person that has prayed for me and my family in the past year. 

I have enjoyed doing life with you all. I truly enjoy sharing how wonderful our God is, even when life is not so wonderful...even when life is just plain hard. No matter what today looks like, God is good! 

My life took a turn this past year, that no one wants their life to take. But today, right now, I sit with peace, joy, and love filling my heart. I am truly thankful for where I am. I know my story could be completely different. I could be consumed by bitterness because I became a widow at 41 years old. I could be overwhelmed with depression because I have to do every single day alone. I could be sitting in a big pile of self-pity. I could be on a totally different road. 

But there is one reason that I am not...JESUS!! He has made all the difference in my life. I have such sweet hope and peace because I know where Dave is right now! He would not want to come back for one second and I wouldn't ask him to. I am thankful that the cares of this life are over for him! God truly healed him! And I sit today in the healthiest place I have ever been- emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically...and that is ONLY possible because of the way He speaks to my heart. Because he pursues this woman with a passionate longing to be close to me each and every day...the creator of this universe passionately pursues ME!! He loves me unconditionally, perfectly, completely. He has filled my life with HIS joy, peace, hope, and love...and I am truly thankful! I am in love with my wonderful Savior and I am so thankful to know Him! He changes everything!

So thankful that He is worth celebrating! This song just makes me happy...let's Sing & Shout about Him goodness together...

Another favorite is this song...Join me and Come alive, on God's Great Dance Floor! He has breathed so much life into this woman!

So today, HAPPY 1st ANNIVERSARY blog world! Thank you for reading my blogs and walking life with this Jesus Girl!