Just Me

Friday, March 28, 2014

266 Days Later....

I am not sure where to begin or even what to share tonight. I've have walked a tough few weeks. I have had some really good moments and some really hard ones. They are deeply personal and so I have to be careful with how and what I share.

God has brought me through the grief of Dave. I believe that the healing has taken place in my life that needed to occur. I have been walking on the path of "NEW" and embracing my future. 

However, a little over a month ago, some things occurred in my life that really threw me. I never thought I would face what I am facing, especially so quickly after walking the journey of terminal cancer and losing my spouse. Basically I am going through an entirely new grief process. The grief of dreams, hopes, and relationships. 

I have found that my faith has been rocked at it's core. I have questioned God...I have asked "Why?" I have doubted so much. Part of me hates to write this...and the other part says, "be real." How much should one person have to go through??

God has been doing some amazing things in my life this year. He is moving and allowing me to get more involved in women's ministry at my church which has been a huge tug on my heart for a long time. 

I have been on a health kick and made some drastic changes in my lifestyle that I love and am excited about! 

So, why when the bad creeps in, do I forget the good?? Why can't I remember those moments when He carried me?? Why isn't He enough right now??

To be honest, right now I don't know. 

What I feel is the pain my heart is feeling. 
What I feel is the uncertainty of my future. 
What I feel is the unsettledness at my core. 
What I feel is rejection. 
What I feel is devastation.
What I feel is grief...again.

So, I blog tonight in hard core truth of where I am.
I blog tonight with many more questions than I have answers. 
I blog in deep pain.

I have said that my blog has been my "free therapy"...there is something about getting on here, getting real, and stating truth before I am done...so tonight, this blog is for me. (and maybe it will be for you too...)

I stated before how I feel...now I will state what I know.

I know...that God is good...even on my worst day, He is still good!
I know...that He has a plan for me! And it is filled with hope and it is good!
I know...that He works ALL things out for the good of those that love Him!
I know...that He thinks I am to die for...and He did just that for me!
I know...that He truly, completely, perfectly, adores and loves this woman.
I know...that He is the husband to the husbandless!
I know...that He never leaves me or forsakes me!
I know...that I am not HOPE-LESS...but HOPE-FILLED because He is in control of my life!
I know...that He has blessed me with dear friends who have been there every step in this                           journey! I love you and am so grateful for each of you...you know who you are!
I know...that He has collected a LOT of my tears in the last few weeks and is storing them in a                   bottle...or two or three or hundreds.
I know...that He is holding my heart! 
I know...that His way is best...even when it hurts in the moment. I can trust Him.
I know...that I am his beloved Bride and His child.
I know...that He is my bridegroom and my Abba!
I know...that He can do a much better job at handling my life issues than I can!
I know...that He is good...all the time...no matter what!

I think I needed that list...I need a refocus. I need hope breathed into my lungs and His healing touch for my broken heart. I'm not there...but one step forward is better than one step back...

Music is big for me...you all know that by now. So, I am leaving you with a song that speaks to me...it speaks where I sit right now...the truth is, do I trust Him? Do I really trust His word that He redeems my pain? That he gives me beauty for the ashes in my life? I have proclaimed it and seen it in my past, do I believe it for my present too?? Some days we just have to make a deliberate choice and say, ":no matter what I trust you!"

Father, no matter what, I choose to trust you! Your goodness, kindness, faithfulness persist through the night! I will trust you. All my hope is found in your love. I will trust you. My whole life is found in your love. Father, fill me.

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