Just Me

Sunday, April 28, 2013

The Heart is Aching Tonight...

Jealousy and heartache describe what I am feeling tonight. 

Reality is hitting again. I have seen some changes in Dave in the past few days. At this point, I don't know if it is a couple bad days or changes. From what I see today, I think there are changes. More exhaustion-recently he has been coming out to the living room and sitting from about 2:30-9:00. He is not been able to sit that long and he has a different look on his face, more exhausted, like he struggles keeping his eyes open for very long. Until today, he has been in bed since Thursday evening. He has eaten very little. (although he did enjoy the ribs I made tonight, he ate about 4 of them!) And the pain has changed. When I sat and looked at him today, there is just something different.

It is a strange road...the road of grief...the road of a terminal illness. I feel like the last 3 weeks or so have been an emotional and mental pendulum, swinging one way one minute, then another way the next. I was beginning to think that this would be a long process, now I wonder...and this is HARD. I do not want him to suffer and the thought that he is nearer to seeing Jesus is a sweet, wonderful thing. But it also brings loss in our home. Loss in our lives. And a lot of sadness.


As I was scrolling through Facebook this evening, I saw two of my friends are out on dates with their husbands tonight. I am thrilled for them. They have both had their own long roads lately and they deserve it and I am so happy for them. But, it was also a big dose of reality for me. The last time I was out with my husband was in December when I surprised him for his birthday and we spent 2 nights at Polaris. 4 long months have passed and date nights are over for me. There are many ways that I already FEEL like a widow and this reality is one of those ways. Dave and I have had a LOT of fun together. We have laughed a lot together and have truly enjoyed each other. That is a gift. My first marriage was very different and I think it has allowed me to appreciate this in our relationship. I have made a lot of deposits in the "memory bank" of our life. I am blessed for that. But sometimes, that just isn't enough. Sometimes, you just want more. Tonight, I just want one more. I want one more night of normal. One more hug from the strong arms that once embraced me. One more time of him driving me out to dinner. One more time to walk into church together. One more just sitting on the couch watching a movie and hearing the laugh that I love! Just one more...


This is where I am tonight. One of the best ways to pull up my boot straps and move forward is to praise in the pain. Those two words tonight  -Jealousy and Heartache- stirred the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, a hug from my Jesus...

Death steals a lot! But it can not steal Jesus. When Dave is gone, he is present immediately with our Lord. And my loving Father promises to be a husband to the widow. He will love me perfectly (He already does). He will embrace and carry me in those lonely nights and hard days (He already has). And I will get to know Him in a whole new way, a way that I have never known before. Oh how he loves me! I am blessed!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The LONG Road Home...

Today is one of the days that I am getting real. (it is hard to be humbled!) The mountain top is now something that I have to look up to see. I am not in the valley, I guess I am somewhere in between. 

A couple of weeks ago, the hospice nurse told us she felt that if they straightened out Dave's meds, he could possibly recover a little. Dave said what I was thinking, "I really don't want to lay around for months!" I am thankful that I was given my "go-to" thought (which I shared about in my last blog) and it has helped a lot when I start to question God's plan.

But lately, I have been struggling with something. Dave and I are walking this journey in two completely different ways. I have not forced my way on him and am letting him walk us through this, his way. I am choosing to walk my way through this journey with my friends, church, and family.

But I am a wife. And I am losing my husband. And I would really like to sit beside him and hold his hand and cry with him. I'd like to laugh about memories we have. And talk about Jesus and heaven and pray together. His way is not the way that this wife wants to do this. This is not how my mind and heart want to finish this journey. 

So, what does a woman do in my position?? I have REAL feelings. I am feeling loss. I have fears and concerns. I carry a huge load. What do I do when my husband does not walk through this process with me. He is sleeping a lot, but most days, gets up around 2:30 and stays up till around 9:00.  I know he doesn't have much energy, but talking doesn't require a lot. I am trying to be respectful of him and his feelings and desires in this process. Honestly, when I think that this could go on for a few months, it seems REALLY long and it is exhausting! And there are days that I really do not want to do this.

As I was sitting on the couch last night and thinking about everything, I started getting frustrated and angry.The Lord and I did some business and he reminded me of some things that helped put "me" aside. I am thankful he is patient with me, I can be a tough battle!! 

I was telling my cousin about it  today on the phone and she reminded me of a truth that I know, but have neglected. She reminded me that what we do to the least of these (to someone who cannot give back) we have done it unto Jesus. Our reward will not be on this earth, but it will be when we stand before him and can lay those crowns at the feet of the one who is altogether worthy. I nearly wept at the thought!!! How quickly we can get into a self focused mode and lose sight of what is REALLY important-Jesus!!

It got me thinking again about my 3 goals in this process: 
1) Be Real. 
2) Don't just survive, THRIVE! 
3) Learn everything that God is teaching me in this journey.

So, I got real!! With you!

I have been in survival mode lately. I have gotten a lot done, but there is more to be aware of than the to do list! I have felt like I am on cruise control for a while. Time to wake up and start living in this process. Isaiah 43:19 "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Beautiful!!! That sounds like thriving to me...

Lesson?? This is a season to not just serve Dave, but to serve my Jesus! When we are in any tough relationship situations-marriages, parents, children, co-workers-we need to sometimes look through that person and see our Jesus standing on the other side, and do it for Him! I think when we do, He is sitting back, watching, and saying, "That's my girl!" And I love pleasing my Abba Father! 

 "Being a servant is the top job in the Kingdom of God. 
You may get more responsibility, 
but no higher calling." 
Louie Giglio

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Stopping by to say Hi!

It has been a few days since I blogged...the last couple of weeks have been calm. Not much to report, and really a little more like "normal" life. I have had some time to myself which has been good. I was able to attend my Friday morning Bible studies for the last 2 weeks and that was SUCH a treat and a blessing. I missed about 5 weeks with everything that we have had going on, which is not good for the leader! And it is not good for my soul either! There is something so sweet about our Friday morning time together. 

Yesterday, we wrapped up our Beth Moore's "James: Mercy Triumphs" study. We managed to stretch our 8 week study into about 8 months!!! I have really enjoyed doing the studies this way so we can dig deep and it is a little less overwhelming to get done each week. Especially for the moms with little ones!

I am always "WOWED" by God's timing with our studies and what we discuss. I have had some pivotal life moments during these lessons and discussions with my sisters. Yesterday was no different.

We all sat and chatted for a few minutes before we started the DVD. One of the ladies asked me about Dave and I was sharing our latest: 

"The nurse seems to think that with getting his meds regulated, he could bounce back a little. When she shared that with us, our reaction seemed to be the same, neither of us wants him to lay in a bed for months on end and continue to lose weight until there is little left to him. He is ready for Jesus and I do not want him to suffer. He has now lost 55lbs since Thanksgiving and most of that has been in the last few months. Our wonderful hospice nurse reminded us that it is in God's hands...which I know, trusting is another story at times..."

So, yesterday I gave my friend the "proper Jesus girl" answer, "God numbers our days and I have to remind myself that he has a purpose and plan for all of this". Some days though, I walk in that a little more than others...

Well, we watched the DVD...and God gave me JUST what I needed in response to this issue. I am "simple" minded. And so He gave me a simple truth to respond to the enemy's darts when I start questioning his timing and plan..."No matter what has happened, over and over, God is always right, always right, always right, always right, always right..." So simple, yet so profound. I know when I look back at this time, at this part of my journey, I will say, "Yes, God! You were right!" He is trustworthy! Always! His way WILL be best!

So, my challenge to you...whatever you are facing and whatever doubts you may have, remember...

God is ALWAYS right, ALWAYS right, ALWAYS right!!!

I am so thankful that God sees me, knows me, desires a close relationship with me, uses me, and LOVES me with a love like no other! His arms hold me tight and I am never out of his thoughts! He is so good!

Friday, April 12, 2013

Is Numb a Feeling???

Today makes 6 weeks since the beginning of the decline for Dave. It has been an emotional, physical, mental roller coaster ever since. Life has changed quickly...

I got out twice this week for some coffee and friend time and am actually getting ready to head out for our "James" Bible study in just a little bit. I have headed the study up this year and have hated missing our Friday mornings together. I am thankful for those who have stepped up and taken over. (I lobe the body of Christ!) So, after today, that makes 3 escapes for me this week...

So why do I feel so numb?? I feel like I am on cruise control and just numb. I have had a few moments this week of deep sadness. I have had some good laughter with friends. But my overall feeling this week is numb. 

I think the past 6 weeks have hit this week. 6 weeks of all these emotions, hard decisions, realities, guests, appointments, hospice in and out, the overwhelming outpouring of gifts and help, the highs and the lows...and I am tired. 

Dave has had some improvements this week. Hospice changed some meds and I think it is helping somewhat. He is sleeping most days till around 2:30 then gets up and comes out to the living room till bedtime. Last week he was in bed pretty much all of the time. Ups and downs... He is eating less. I am guessing he has lost at least 50lbs now, possibly more. It hurts to look at him and know how strong he used to be. He said he has no appetite and only eats because he knows he should. They increased his pain meds to morphine. It helped the first couple of days, but is now on it 3 times a day along with some of his other pain meds. His pain seems to be worse...at least to me. He and I have had some hard talks this week. We are making some tough decisions. Highs and Lows...

So, if you asked me right now "How are you?", and I was honest, my response would be "Numb". I am tired. REALLY tired. I think it has all caught up with me...

BUT...I find such comfort and strength in knowing that God hasn't changed in the last 6 weeks. He doesn't have highs and lows, but is constant. He is the SAME yesterday, today, and forever. He tells me his yoke is easy (kind) and his burden is light. He says that I can find rest in him. Where would I be without my Jesus?? I can NOT imagine facing all of this without him. So, even thought I am numb and coasting right now in this process, Jesus is still pouring himself out all over me...and for that I am truly thankful!

Monday, April 8, 2013

A New Way of Serving...

I am a wife who serves. I ALWAYS fixed his morning cup of coffee. I always packed his lunch. I did his laundry, cleaned his house, did the banking, shopping, paid the bills, cooking...I have been a stay-at-home mom and my attitude has willingly been one of serving. I have tried to make his life easy for him in those areas. 

I am serving my husband still...till his last breath, I will serve him. I can't remember the last cup of coffee I fixed for him. Coffee has been one of our connections. When we were first married, he had a Tim Horton's minutes from his house! We frequented there much more than we should have. And there is something about coffee to this day, when we have shared a cup together, it stirred that "new love" feeling in me, you know, those warm fuzzy feelings...

I have always LOVED feeding my husband. I love to bake, especially desserts! And I loved sitting down and watching him enjoy what I prepared! (and he always loved being on the receiving end of these meals!) It is hard at this point...nothing sounds good. He is eating fruit pretty well, pudding, pickle spears, but I don't think there is anything I could bake with my love attached now, that he would enjoy. I struggle with crossing the line of nagging him, trying to get him to eat. I know his body does not need the nutrition at this point. It is part of the natural process. He will eat when he wants to and if he doesn't that is ok. This is a very hard mindset for me. A totally new way of serving. 

I now sit down once a week and prepare his pills instead of his meals. We have changed a few of his meds since switching over to hospice. I am thankful that they changes seem to have helped him and he is pleased. 

When I am folding his laundry each week, I wonder how many more times I will serve him in this way. It is becoming more real all the time...

Today I had a tough conversation with Dave that I dreaded...we had to talk about his final wishes. One of his concerns is leaving me in the financial position that I am being left in and there are options for us and some are a lot less expensive.  So he is considering those things and deciding what he wants. I will honor his wishes, even if it is not the easiest route financially. As we talked, I cried. I was staring into my future...the heart break of the inevitable. 

This is the last way I will serve my husband and I reassured him that I will serve him well. I reminded him of my love for him and I am thankful that God brought us together. I would gladly have served him for the rest of my life! 

In honor of my husband, serve someone well today...serve with a smile and a lot of love! No one is promised tomorrow...

Saturday, April 6, 2013

An Overwhelming Week...

This week has been overwhelming for so many reasons...Tuesday, as I shared earlier was a turning point for us. Dave stopped his treatments and decided to keep his eyes on the prize! Hospice was called in and started handling his care. We have now had them here on 3 separate occasions since Tuesday and our house is making some changes. 

I know his condition is worsening, and since I see him day in and day out, I don't notice it so much. But when I think back over a week, two weeks, or a month, then it becomes evident. Two weeks ago, his mom, sister, and brother came down from Michigan to visit. He sat in the recliner in our living room for the 4 hours or so that they were here. Today when they visited for about 2 hours, he stayed in bed. Both visits equally wore him out. It is very sobering to see the difference that 2 short weeks have made. He is getting weaker, sleeping more, and eating less. Today we got him a seat to use in the shower. When he showers now, it wipes him out for the day. Tomorrow, a hospital bed will be delivered and set up. We are hoping this will prevent bed sores, since he is only able to stay in one position comfortably and it will also allow him more ease in sitting up. The reality hits. It is heart breaking. 

But I am thankful I can be by his side in this journey. I love my husband. 

He was getting into bed one night this week and he stood and hugged me. My thoughts "How many more hugs like this will there be?" I embraced him for as long as I could and savored the moment. I am beginning to discuss funeral planning. A friend asked if I needed any repairs done, her husband was willing. I responded with "Dave was always so handy! He could fix anything."  WAS...the reality of where we are hit again and I cried. I was driving home Friday evening after a "normal" night out, and then I thought of what was waiting at home. Waves a grief...

This week though, was overwhelming in other ways. Wednesday, I shared about our "stranger friend" and the gift of the word the Lord gave her for Dave. It was a moment I will never forget and I know it has brought a peace to Dave's heart that he did not have before. SO thankful!! ONLY GOD! On Thursday, God really began pouring his love over me. I had about 10 people from my church contact me. They asked how we were, what we needed, can they help?? I have had offers from a few men to do yard work, but I have passed on it. I have a "brown thumb" and having a beautiful lawn is not high on the priority list at all right now. My thoughts have been, keep it mowed when that needs done, the rest can wait. If it looks like that all summer, oh well! BUT, God had other plans for me! Thursday evening, a gentleman from my church that I had never met, showed up and cleaned out all the winter gunk, cut down leftover flowers and bushes, and it made SUCH a difference. He said he is not done and will be back to finish. My thought was, you're kidding?? This looks awesome! But ok I will gladly accept. Then to top it off, some dear friends went and bought me a new flower garden! BEAUTIFUL flowers! Tulips (my favorite), miniature daffodils (ADORABLE!!!), Hyacinths, Calla Lilly, Lilly, and a Snap Dragon hanging basket and shepherds hook! I am SO excited to get these beautiful flowers in the ground and remember that he gives beauty for the ashes! And the same gentleman is coming back to plant them all! ONLY GOD!

Wednesday, we had a friend of Dave's visit him. Sometimes I sit in on those visits and sometimes I don't. I have since talked to this friend and he shared with me, some of the things that Dave has asked him to help with after he is gone. It felt good to know my husband is taking care of some things for me, even in the condition he is in. Then I get a call on Thursday that he wants to fix our bathroom door in the basement. The door we had was flimsy and cheap. It broke a few years back, Dave repaired it, but it finally fell apart. So the girls have been using a sheet as a door! Again, the bathroom is in the basement, they are pretty much the only ones who use it, so not high on my priority list. But it WAS on Dave's. So while I attended the fundraiser dinner for the missions trips the girls are going on this summer, he came out and put in a new door! And can I say, as everything is with God- it is more beautiful than the one we had before! I can not believe the difference in the way our hallway looks! God is so good! When he redeems-He always gives more than we lost! Even with a bathroom door! ONLY GOD!

So, as all this has happened this week, and I am thinking about the entire events of the week, I am overwhelmed at God's goodness! Things that I thought didn't matter have given me beauty and something to look forward to! A door is a reminder for me that God gives back more than we lost! But there is more...

I told you this week was overwhelming...

One of my contacts this week was a friend that asked me to make a "wish list". Things I need done, financial needs, whatever I would "wish" to get accomplished. I told her I would need to think about it...the very first thing I thought of was, I would love to purchase my kids new outfits for the funeral. I do not have extra $$ for things like this. So, as of right now, there are 2 things on my big wish list! (this is hard for an independent person!) 

In the meantime, a friend of mine shared my blog Tuesday on her facebook page. She contacted me and said she needed my address. So I sent it to her and then she says, "When you get something in the mail from ______ call me." I told her ok and that was that. 

Today, I got an envelope in the mail...I opened it and there was a letter in it. Here is some of what it said: "I read your story on facebook and wanted to help in some way. We had a loss of a close family member a few years ago and at the time we couldn't afford to buy the things that we needed to attend the services. Enclosed are gift cards for all of your kids and yourself to Kohl's..." 
I couldn't finish reading the letter because I was crying so hard! She had no clue that my #1 wish was to have a new outfit for my kids for the funeral! God is so OVERWHELMINGLY good! ONLY GOD!

I hope no one takes this the wrong way, and I honestly have a hard time finding the words to best express my thoughts and feelings in this. The truth is, this week (the week that I had to call my husband's dr and say "He is done" and then call hospice and say, "we are ready") I have cried more tears over how good, and faithful, and loving my God is, than over where we are in Dave's journey. I go back to this verse:
Phil 4:7
"And the peace of God,
Which transcends ALL understanding,
Will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

This is a peace that DOES NOT make sense to the world! Honestly, there are times, it does not even make sense to me! It is ONLY possible through my loving Jesus! I am blown away at God's goodness. And I haven't shared every little thing (and not so little thing) he has done for me this week! It is more than my heart can take, I am over flowing in his love! 


Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A lesson learned??

How obedient am I?? How far out of my comfort zone am I willing to go in order to do something that God is calling me to do?? What "personal rights" do I cling to that He is telling me to give to him??

These questions went through my mind tonight as a stranger, well sort of, sat in my living room visiting my husband. Here is a little background...

She (I will not name her, because I know she didn't do this for her glorification, but God's) attends church with my Aunt. My Aunt has had Dave on her church prayer list for a long time. Their church has been praying, and specifically our stranger friend for us for quite a while. This new friend's husband works with my mom. So, we ARE connected, but have never met.

The Lord gave her a burden for Dave and our situation. A VERY heavy burden. A few months ago, he laid it on her heart to write Dave a letter. My husband rarely cries, but this brought tears to both of our eyes as I read the words speaking of how great the Father's love is for us. In that moment, it was exactly what he needed. 

Obedience...what IF she hadn't done what God called her to do??

She shared with us how the Lord has made our situation, very real to her, she has been burdened and spent time thinking of the details of what we are dealing with. She has had cancer herself, and though she has been physically healed of it, she knows some of what we are battling. 

She called me last night though, to see if she could come and meet us and speak with Dave about what the Lord laid on her heart. She reassured me she wasn't "some stalker lady" and that this was "very much out of her comfort zone", but felt so pressed to do this. I could not deny something that I felt was straight from the heart of God for us. So I welcomed her...

I am not going to go into detail as to what she shared...BUT it was EXACTLY what Dave needed to hear in this moment. I have had 2 things on my heart for him that I want to see him be able to process before he passes and what she shared were exactly those things! God was ALL over this visit. She put it like this "God doesn't work in a singular fashion, He is always working in multiple levels"!
He worked in her life, stretching her to do something that was so hard for her personality...but I have a feeling she went home blessed beyond words for her obedience...God is going to use this willing woman!!!
It blessed me as these 2 things are the things I want him to be able to rest in and find peace about. Thank you Jesus for hearing my prayers! 
It brought tears to my husband's eyes as he sat hearing not just the voice of our stranger friend, but the voice of his loving Savior, reassuring a heavy heart! WOW! God you are SO good!

So, here is my next thought..."What would have happened if she didn't listen?" She had a choice. She didn't have to call these people who might think she is off her rocker or could reject such a crazy idea. I guarantee the enemy danced in her mind trying to talk her out of it. And I bet even after she called and determined to visit us, she had doubts. Truth is, I don't know every ripple effect that tonight's conversation is going to have in the days ahead. BUT I do know that God blesses our obedience.
I do know that his sweet child of his, that walked into our home tonight to tell us what God had so clearly told her to share, is blessed because she obeyed.
I do know that I cried tears of assurance and joy, knowing that God has heard prayers and He sometimes works in ways outside of the box to answer those prayers! There were moments tonight that I wanted to shout "Praise you Jesus" while she spoke because it was EXACTLY what my husband needed to hear from His Father!
I do know my husband was deeply touched, to the point of tears. I know it was what God had for him. I know he has some peace in his mind and heart tonight that he didn't have before our stranger friend walked into our home.

Now, the million dollar question..."What about me....& you!?" As she spoke, I thought, "Would I do this?" Would I call a stranger and ask them to share what God has laid on my heart for them??

My heart's desire is to glorify God with my life and point others to Him...but what happens when that takes me WAY out of my comfort zone?? I have to admit, every week when I get up to lead our group in Bible study, my stomach still knots up and I have to push past some things. I struggle WAY too much with what people think of me. I compare myself WAY to much to everyone else. I have conversations in my head (YES that is normal!) telling myself, "You are not Beth Moore or Lysa Terkeurst..you are Stephanie Szalla...BE HER! That is who God made you to be for YOUR specific work!" Seriously, this happens a LOT! And sometimes I lose that battle...

But what would I do if I felt God nudging me to approach the mom in line behind me at Wal-Mart and tell her "God loves you so much that he died for you"? Would I? I struggle with anger and bitterness. I can say that with a lot of work on the Holy Spirit's part, I am free of that bondage. But I am very much aware of how easy I slip into that...I have some people in my life that are EHSR (Extra Holy Spirit Required)...Do you have some of those? They REALLY press my buttons. They hit me where it hurts most-usually when they hurt my kids! What happens when I am wounded by these EHSR's and I have a RIGHT to be angry?? What do I do when God says, "Put aside your rights, trust me, FORGIVE!" hmmm...

The challenge to me, and to you tonight...How far will we go to obey our Father? We have a Savior that was "Obedient to death-even death on a cross" Phil.2:8 What if Jesus made the choice to only be partially obedient to our Father-His Father?? God is SO worthy of our love and obedience...When he calls us to do something, HE will empower us to do it! What is holding me back? What about you?

One of my fears in this process is that I miss what God is trying to teach me in this journey...I think this is one of those learning sessions...am I all in or not? How obedient am I?? 

May our prayer be, "God, I am all yours, completely. NO holding back. Make clear to me what you want me to do, then empower me to do it!" 

And get ready, because when we obey, God is gonna bless our socks off! 

Thank you sweet, stranger friend, sister in Jesus! Your boldness was a gift that can never be repaid! Praying that God will bless you more than you blessed us!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A Different Path in this Journey...

Life changes quickly...even though we have been on this journey for a while and knew the day was coming...

Today it happened. 

And even though it didn't surprise me and I expected it today. It hits. And it hits hard. 

Treatments are done. Hospice has been called. 

Dave is nearing the end of his life on this earth. I am walking this road beside him. We are each travelling the same road and yet our own at the same time. Today we turned a different direction in this. It is strange how your mind begins processing things differently in such a brief moment. Emotions flood. The mind races. A "to-do" list begins forming. People are contacted. Phone calls are made. It is so surreal...

Dave has fought this disease for over 3 years now. He is tired. He hurts. And he knows who is waiting for him on the other side and he is ready to see his Savior. His prayer is that there be "A Quick Resolution". My prayer is that God reigns his mercy and takes him home quickly. Dave has nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is unfathomable that he is SO close to seeing Jesus face to face. He is so close to actually KNOWING what we can't begin to comprehend! What a beautiful and comforting thought! PRAISE GOD!!!

But he is leaving many behind. God has a plan for me! He has a future filled with his HOPE for me! I know the road in front of me is heavy and long. There are still moments when I want to get off this path...I want a different journey. I question "Why? Why did God allow Dave and I to meet if he was just going to take him home in less then 8 years of marriage?" I became a single mom when I turned 30, and now at 41, I will be doing it again, just with a different name- "Widow". 

But you know, I have learned things in this marriage that I do not think I ever would have learned any other way. God has lead me to the place he wants me. Our marriage has been hard. We have had a lot of heartache in these 8 years together. But we have had a lot of laughs too! I told him the other day "It has been a fun adventure!" And it has. I joke that our love language is "Sarcasm"...I LOVE his humor (as sick as it is at times) and his laugh and smile!! We have made memories together that I will never forget. I am thankful! 

One day cancer entered our world. And God has used it to transform this woman into a Jesus Girl that I didn't know could exist. I have learned the love of God in a way I never knew it before-THROUGH CANCER! I have seen the hand of God miraculously reach out to me in deep, personal ways. It is SO humbling and I am forever grateful! I have been able to walk through darkness with joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. The best way to describe this journey has been, 


I am losing my spouse. My heart is broken. It breaks for him and what he is going through physically, mentally, emotionally. Daily, I watch it happen. It is SO hard when it is someone you love. The difference for me in this is that my hope is not found in this world...if you put on your "earth glasses" the trials in this life can look pretty hopeless. But when you choose to see things through the light of the Word of God, and you put on "Jesus glasses" everything changes! I am SO thankful for that hope! 

I have SEEN the hands and feet of Jesus in my life through so many that are reaching out to us. Whether it is a meal, prayer, a visit, a hug, financial help, a song...THAT is what the church is about...LOVING like Jesus loves us. DOING what he has called us to do. I will never be able to repay all that has been done for me, BUT I will use all I have learned to encourage other women who walk a hard life path! That is my heart for ministry! And it has been birthed through cancer...Romans 8:28 is so true! 

I do not know how long he has...there are times that I want more time talking to him, one more dinner out with him, one more movie on the couch with him, one more time to attend church with him. Folks, don't take life for granted! And more important than that...make sure you KNOW Jesus personally. None of us are ever going to be good enough for heaven, it is only through the blood of God's son, We have to ask him to forgive us and come into our hearts and save us. We have to trust in him to be our Savior! THEN you can KNOW what Dave and I know and rest assured that heaven awaits! 

The following verse pretty much sums it up for me today...I do not lose heart! This world and everything in it can be gone in a moment! BUT I have a hope that I can not even begin to understand on this earth! 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore, we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting way, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Though my heart is heavy, I can rejoice FOR my husband! His troubles are almost over and he gets Jesus for all of eternity! PRAISE YOU JESUS!!!