Sunday, April 28, 2013
The Heart is Aching Tonight...
Jealousy and heartache describe what I am feeling tonight.
Reality is hitting again. I have seen some changes in Dave in the past few days. At this point, I don't know if it is a couple bad days or changes. From what I see today, I think there are changes. More exhaustion-recently he has been coming out to the living room and sitting from about 2:30-9:00. He is not been able to sit that long and he has a different look on his face, more exhausted, like he struggles keeping his eyes open for very long. Until today, he has been in bed since Thursday evening. He has eaten very little. (although he did enjoy the ribs I made tonight, he ate about 4 of them!) And the pain has changed. When I sat and looked at him today, there is just something different.
It is a strange road...the road of grief...the road of a terminal illness. I feel like the last 3 weeks or so have been an emotional and mental pendulum, swinging one way one minute, then another way the next. I was beginning to think that this would be a long process, now I wonder...and this is HARD. I do not want him to suffer and the thought that he is nearer to seeing Jesus is a sweet, wonderful thing. But it also brings loss in our home. Loss in our lives. And a lot of sadness.
As I was scrolling through Facebook this evening, I saw two of my friends are out on dates with their husbands tonight. I am thrilled for them. They have both had their own long roads lately and they deserve it and I am so happy for them. But, it was also a big dose of reality for me. The last time I was out with my husband was in December when I surprised him for his birthday and we spent 2 nights at Polaris. 4 long months have passed and date nights are over for me. There are many ways that I already FEEL like a widow and this reality is one of those ways. Dave and I have had a LOT of fun together. We have laughed a lot together and have truly enjoyed each other. That is a gift. My first marriage was very different and I think it has allowed me to appreciate this in our relationship. I have made a lot of deposits in the "memory bank" of our life. I am blessed for that. But sometimes, that just isn't enough. Sometimes, you just want more. Tonight, I just want one more. I want one more night of normal. One more hug from the strong arms that once embraced me. One more time of him driving me out to dinner. One more time to walk into church together. One more just sitting on the couch watching a movie and hearing the laugh that I love! Just one more...
This is where I am tonight. One of the best ways to pull up my boot straps and move forward is to praise in the pain. Those two words tonight -Jealousy and Heartache- stirred the lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs, a hug from my Jesus...
Death steals a lot! But it can not steal Jesus. When Dave is gone, he is present immediately with our Lord. And my loving Father promises to be a husband to the widow. He will love me perfectly (He already does). He will embrace and carry me in those lonely nights and hard days (He already has). And I will get to know Him in a whole new way, a way that I have never known before. Oh how he loves me! I am blessed!