A couple of weeks ago, the hospice nurse told us she felt that if they straightened out Dave's meds, he could possibly recover a little. Dave said what I was thinking, "I really don't want to lay around for months!" I am thankful that I was given my "go-to" thought (which I shared about in my last blog) and it has helped a lot when I start to question God's plan.
But lately, I have been struggling with something. Dave and I are walking this journey in two completely different ways. I have not forced my way on him and am letting him walk us through this, his way. I am choosing to walk my way through this journey with my friends, church, and family.
But I am a wife. And I am losing my husband. And I would really like to sit beside him and hold his hand and cry with him. I'd like to laugh about memories we have. And talk about Jesus and heaven and pray together. His way is not the way that this wife wants to do this. This is not how my mind and heart want to finish this journey.
So, what does a woman do in my position?? I have REAL feelings. I am feeling loss. I have fears and concerns. I carry a huge load. What do I do when my husband does not walk through this process with me. He is sleeping a lot, but most days, gets up around 2:30 and stays up till around 9:00. I know he doesn't have much energy, but talking doesn't require a lot. I am trying to be respectful of him and his feelings and desires in this process. Honestly, when I think that this could go on for a few months, it seems REALLY long and it is exhausting! And there are days that I really do not want to do this.
As I was sitting on the couch last night and thinking about everything, I started getting frustrated and angry.The Lord and I did some business and he reminded me of some things that helped put "me" aside. I am thankful he is patient with me, I can be a tough battle!!
I was telling my cousin about it today on the phone and she reminded me of a truth that I know, but have neglected. She reminded me that what we do to the least of these (to someone who cannot give back) we have done it unto Jesus. Our reward will not be on this earth, but it will be when we stand before him and can lay those crowns at the feet of the one who is altogether worthy. I nearly wept at the thought!!! How quickly we can get into a self focused mode and lose sight of what is REALLY important-Jesus!!
It got me thinking again about my 3 goals in this process:
1) Be Real.
2) Don't just survive, THRIVE!
3) Learn everything that God is teaching me in this journey.
So, I got real!! With you!
I have been in survival mode lately. I have gotten a lot done, but there is more to be aware of than the to do list! I have felt like I am on cruise control for a while. Time to wake up and start living in this process. Isaiah 43:19 "See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Beautiful!!! That sounds like thriving to me...
Lesson?? This is a season to not just serve Dave, but to serve my Jesus! When we are in any tough relationship situations-marriages, parents, children, co-workers-we need to sometimes look through that person and see our Jesus standing on the other side, and do it for Him! I think when we do, He is sitting back, watching, and saying, "That's my girl!" And I love pleasing my Abba Father!