Just Me

Friday, April 12, 2013

Is Numb a Feeling???

Today makes 6 weeks since the beginning of the decline for Dave. It has been an emotional, physical, mental roller coaster ever since. Life has changed quickly...

I got out twice this week for some coffee and friend time and am actually getting ready to head out for our "James" Bible study in just a little bit. I have headed the study up this year and have hated missing our Friday mornings together. I am thankful for those who have stepped up and taken over. (I lobe the body of Christ!) So, after today, that makes 3 escapes for me this week...

So why do I feel so numb?? I feel like I am on cruise control and just numb. I have had a few moments this week of deep sadness. I have had some good laughter with friends. But my overall feeling this week is numb. 

I think the past 6 weeks have hit this week. 6 weeks of all these emotions, hard decisions, realities, guests, appointments, hospice in and out, the overwhelming outpouring of gifts and help, the highs and the lows...and I am tired. 

Dave has had some improvements this week. Hospice changed some meds and I think it is helping somewhat. He is sleeping most days till around 2:30 then gets up and comes out to the living room till bedtime. Last week he was in bed pretty much all of the time. Ups and downs... He is eating less. I am guessing he has lost at least 50lbs now, possibly more. It hurts to look at him and know how strong he used to be. He said he has no appetite and only eats because he knows he should. They increased his pain meds to morphine. It helped the first couple of days, but is now on it 3 times a day along with some of his other pain meds. His pain seems to be worse...at least to me. He and I have had some hard talks this week. We are making some tough decisions. Highs and Lows...

So, if you asked me right now "How are you?", and I was honest, my response would be "Numb". I am tired. REALLY tired. I think it has all caught up with me...

BUT...I find such comfort and strength in knowing that God hasn't changed in the last 6 weeks. He doesn't have highs and lows, but is constant. He is the SAME yesterday, today, and forever. He tells me his yoke is easy (kind) and his burden is light. He says that I can find rest in him. Where would I be without my Jesus?? I can NOT imagine facing all of this without him. So, even thought I am numb and coasting right now in this process, Jesus is still pouring himself out all over me...and for that I am truly thankful!

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