The past year has held many changes for us. Adapting to life together as well as blending our family. For the most part it has been a good journey. We have had some things that we have had to work through-no perfect people in this house- but I am thankful for a husband who makes protecting my heart a priority!! I am so blessed. I have grown to love living in Columbus and will actually miss it when we move next week to Tipp City.
I am going to try to make this short and to the point, but there is a lot I want to say. So, get ready...
Moving here took some big adjusting. I went through a very lonely season of not feeling connected. I came from a church that I loved and was very involved in and had many people that meant so much to me, to walking into church each week and seeing no face that I knew. I also began the "fun" journey of pre-menopause. Insert crazy woman here...
During this process, I started realizing that I was battling things from my past, that I thought I had already dealt with and moved beyond. I was falling into this self-condemnation mentality-after all God had done for me...after proclaiming that I was free and walking in freedom, why was I here again?? I am a "hypocrite". Between this mental and emotional process, and pre-menopause, I began battling depression and anxiety. It was hard to understand that during this amazingly happy time in my life with my sweet man, that I could be depressed and lay in bed at night wide awake with heart pounding from anxiety, at the same time.
Finally in January, I was able to join a small group at my church. I am so thankful for this group of women and the friendships I have formed here. We are real and raw with each other. God is growing us each in our own way and it is such a blessing to be part of this group. Our hearts have been knit for eternity!
In February, I finally went to the doctor and was put on medication for hormonal related anxiety and depression. It has been such a huge help. I also began seeing a counselor, because I knew I had work to do. I had to experience FREEDOM (my word for the year) that God wanted me to walk in on this earth.
It seems like my journey has been two steps forward one step back...one step forward, two steps back...I wish I could give all the details of how God has moved in this process, but time and space doesn't allow, so fast forwarding to more recent events...
I know my "what" that I need to move beyond...I know the "why" behind it all...my issue is the "how"...How do I finally let go of hurts, stop believing lies, walk in freedom?? I know what scripture says, I know how Jesus sees me...so why am I STUCK here in this pit? Why can't I just do it?? Why doesn't Jesus just FIX me?? That is a cool testimony too!
I dug in. I dug in deep. I started flooding my mind with studies on freedom, songs on freedom, seeking and praying for freedom. I needed to move past all of this and I knew I needed to do my part.
God has used several things in my life through this journey. One was the book "Unashamed" by Christine Caine. I didn't realize shame doesn't just come because of things we do, but things that are done TO us as well. I was battling things from my early childhood, through elementary, junior high, high school, and into my 20's, 30's, and even my 40's. I had a life time of lies screaming at me. One key thought that I gained from this book, was that the season I am in was a good season. There was a purpose. I didn't need to feel ashamed and condemned because I was here...AGAIN...after proclaiming a testimony of freedom. You see, sometimes, God allows us to walk in a season of freedom, only to allow us to need more freedom. Because God is a good father. He knows that all of it at one time, may be too much for one person to deal with. So he gently, lovingly peels away layers. I am thankful He allows us to walk in those seasons and experience it, even if he knows we have more work to do with Him. I knew that my time in Grove City had a specific purpose. I wasn't to plant deep roots, but I was supposed to dig out of this pit of my past. It took a lot of pain and some deep searching. But I felt like God told me that by the time we move to Tipp City, the work would be done. And I began walking in that hope.
The next part of this process that He began using was confirming that I have control issues...if I can control situations, people, circumstances, then I will not be hurt again. Control is a form of self protection. I have been doing a Beth Moore study and one of the quotes that rattled me in this area was this: