Changes...

This week has been a week of many changes. Monday night, Dave started having hallucinations that didn't stop. He was trying to get out of bed, but was very weak, and so I was afraid to leave him for even a minute out of fear of him falling. He is on blood thinner, so he is a fall risk. Kaitlyn helped me till about 2:30, I was hoping to sleep a little, but every time he had to go to the bathroom, I had to get up and assist him. So, sleep was minimal. My mom came over around 4:30am and tried to let me sleep, but again, every time he had to use the bathroom I had to wake up. I was basically up all night long. I did call hospice and they would have come out, but I opted to wait on our nurse. 

She was here first thing Tuesday morning, along with their social worker. It was decided that Dave needed 24 hr care in his current state. As much as I hated that fact, relief flooded my mind and heart. When I became a caregiver, I accepted each change that came. Each new level of care he needed, I added to life. When I heard I was going to have help with it all, I realized the magnitude of the load I was carrying. I started thinking of the freedom of being able to go to Trevor's ball games and not worry about who would be with Dave. I could run to the grocery or bank anytime I needed to. I would be able to pick Kaitlyn up at the airport and not have to worry about who was with Dave. I could take Sarah to her appts in Columbus and not figure it all out. Because we had a nurse here all night, I was able to sleep in a bed for the first time since January because I didn't have to be in ears reach of him. That made a BIG difference for me the next day! I didn't realize how much where I am sleeping is affecting me.

But, on Wednesday morning when I came upstairs, the nurse informed me that he slept almost all night. Up very little. He doesn't need 24 hour care at this point. My heart sunk. It is all up to me again...the mountain sized load was back on my shoulders...

His nurse feels he is transitioning. His body is starting to fade. For two weeks now, he has eaten popsycles and drank water. I am guessing he has now lost about 90 lbs. He is fading away in front of me. He is vomiting almost daily and struggles taking his meds. She said he will probably have more episodes like Monday night. When it happens, call and they will send help for me. Due to his age and how strong his heart and lungs are, he could linger for weeks like this. They are encouraging me to start shifting my focus from him to my kids, who will really need me when this is done. So, the first step I took in that was arranging to have an aid come in 3 times a week for an hour. My nurse told me to leave the house when they are here. To get out, go to the grocery, sit at the park, grab a cup of coffee-just get out for that hour. RELIEF...

This week has been hard on many levels. The back and forth of the care level he needs, the lack of sleep, keeping up with my kids (one of which is currently out of the country), paperwork for his insurance, (I HATE PAPERWORK!!!), and just LIFE. 

I woke up today, not rested after another night on the couch, and feeling very blah. As I started through the day, I realized I am frustrated and angry today.

I am angry that it is so difficult to go anywhere...especially now with the risk of hallucinations returning. I am angry that we can't enjoy our summer. I would love to have some fun with my kids, but life is revolving around Dave's care (and it has been for months). I am angry that I see so many people who are happily going on vacation...and I can't go to wal-mart without it being an ordeal. I am angry that my husband is suffering day in and day out. I am angry that in order for life to be normal, it will have to be a new normal. I am angry that in order for this load to disappear, my husband has to die. I am angry that I will be a single mom...again. I am angry that my kids are suffering yet another loss in their life. I am angry that I am angry...

This is hard. There is no way around grief without walking through it...unless you want to end up on the other side damaged and scarred from this journey. And I do not want that. So today, I am walking in this "ANGER" that I am experiencing. When people say, "How are you?" my first response is always "Good." The truth is, when I am walking focused on the Lord, I can hoenstly respond that way. But I am not good today. I am angry. Cancer Stinks. It is robbing me of years with the man I pledged my life to. It is financially attempting to destroy us. It is taking a father from my kids. It is an ugly, ferocious beast. And we are only one family affected by it. I hate cancer. I am angry that my husband is dying at the hands of this disease.

Now, some truth...don't get me wrong, my feelings and thoughts are very real. But God's word is full of hope and truth. I may not be feeling it, but I can KNOW it! The truth is, God has a purpose and a plan for this. He wants to redeem every pain we experience and use it for our good. And I know he will do that. He is the great provider, the Jehovah Jireh. Our income is less than the bills we owe each month (before gas and groceries) and we are current on every bill! That is a miracle. Many have given to help us out. There is a link on my blog to give through paypal and we also have a benefit account at any 5/3 bank location. God IS providing and he has used many of you to do so! THANK YOU!!! He promises to be a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widow. If he promised it, he will do it. As hard as this is, someday, I will wish I had 5 more minutes...even in the heartache and struggle, this is a precious time WITH Dave! So even though this is hard, today, I have my husband. God shows up in little, unexpected ways so frequently. Whether in a post on facebook that says exactly what my heart needs, or in a song. Sometimes, it is in a word of encouragement from a stranger that says, "We have been praying for you!" God's family is amazing...I have friends praying all over the world! It is such an encouragement to know people care and pray for us. 

Today I am angry...
today...
I will not stay this way...
I have HOPE because I have a Savior who is full of hope!