Just Me

Friday, June 28, 2013

Steps in this Journey...

Grief is a strange process. I think I started grieving in March. I have a great tendency to hold things in. To wear a mask. To determine to "Do it right" to the point that it harms me. These are some of the main reasons I began blogging. Writing helps me take the mask off and be real. 

I am all over the place right now. I have calm, controlled thoughts one minute, then the next, I am crashing and don't know how to take the next step! 

Today I was reflecting on some of this process and the relationships I have. I could see the way God has been preparing me for the days that are near. He has slowly shown me that I am going to crumble. I am not going to go through this process, the normally independent woman that I am. I am going to need my friends to circle around me and hold me up when I fall apart. He is preparing me for the mountainous load of not only being a single mom, but also a grieving single mom to grieving children. I know that I can not do this alone, and he has graciously brought me to a place of being ok with that. 

I had a tidal wave moment today. I was just driving to the bank and my brain started spinning. One thing lead to another in my thoughts and it hit me...my husband is dying and he is getting very near to his last breath. Then I realized in that moment of thought, I had stopped breathing. It was only a moment, but it literally took my breath. I have had several of these tidal wave moments through this process, but this one was different. And I think it is because the last breath is so near. I wondered if this would be the last trip to the bank having my husband still in my home. I have been having a lot of those thoughts and questions lately...will this be the last trip to the grocery with him being home, or my last church service, or my last night. It is getting close and it is becoming so real.

Our nurse is coming today. I was heart broken to hear she is going to be on vacation for the next two weeks. I don't think he will be here when her vacation is over. I have bonded with her. She is not just a nurse, she is a friend. She has had to do some not so pleasant things to my husband and in those moments she has said, "It is my honor to care for you." I almost fell apart...such compassion, such a servant's heart. We have loved the nurse that God chose for us. She ends every visit in prayer with him. She has been a precious gift. 

I don't believe I can comprehend the depth and range of emotion that I am about to experience. The Lord is preparing the path for me in some really incredible ways though. He has prepared this normally strong, independent woman for what is coming. He has brought me to a place of accepting that I am going to break. Friends, I am ready for you to embrace me and love on me and my family when that hour hits. I am ready for your help in any way that you want to give it. I am ready for lots of prayer when you are with me and when I am alone. I am ready to weep with you. I am going to need you all desperately in my life. I am so blessed to know I am not going through this alone. Not only is the Lord going to hold me, but he is going to send me an army of love from the many women that I hold close to my heart. 

Please continue to pray for all of those that are walking this journey. Please pray for the mercy and peace of God to fall on our home. Pleas pray that God is glorified through us in the days ahead! THANK YOU to all who are praying in this journey...those prayers have been sustaining me in ways I can not express!

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