Just Me

Saturday, July 5, 2014

1 year....365 Days Later...

One year...12 months...365 days...so hard to believe. 

It feels like forever since that day. 

This week has been one of much reflection for me. I was told on Friday, June 28th last year that Dave would not make it through the night. But he was a strong, strong man, clear up until the end, and a week later, he crossed the finish line of this life. 

One week...

That was the longest week of my life. I have reflected much this past week on what we were all walking through a year ago. I sit today and think "How did I do it? What kept me functioning for an entire week of waiting on such a painful moment?" I remembered the nights of not having a nurse here all night and having to set my alarm every two hours to go see if he was still here or to give him his pain meds. I remember the nights when I had a nurse here and I would awaken with every step in the house wondering if they were coming to get me because it was time. I remember my friend calling me from church on Sunday morning so I could listen in on the worship that morning. I remember friends stopping by with a coffee or just to sit with me. I remember the many hours spent by his bed, holding his hand because I was determined to be there when Jesus took his other hand and welcomed him home. I remember the hours of waiting... I remember so much about that week...

I have also reflected on my year of healing. I think part of what makes it so hard to believe that it has been a year, is because of where I sit today. 
It has been a year of discovery for me. 
It has been a year of deep pain for me.
It has been a year of continued faith walk for me. 
It has been a year of seeing what I am made of. 
It has been a year of setting goals and reaching them. 
It has been a year of days of loneliness.
It has been a year of support.
It has been a year of deepening friendships.
It has been a year of AMAZEMENT at the way God has blessed me and provided for me!
It has been a year of challenges. 
It has been a year of at times, disappointments.
It has been a year of divine appointments.
It has been a year of LIVING!
It has been a year of learning to be content and embrace the journey, even when it is HARD!
It has been a year of God moving and directing.

I am a one year old widow today. One year. I feel like it has been forever since that day. I feel like I have done life alone for much longer than one year. 

But today, I don't walk in sadness. Which honestly has surprised me. I rejoice in knowing where he is today and has been for the past 365 days! I wonder what he has done, who he has talked to, what he thinks and feels. Someday, I will know! 

I rejoice knowing that when life is hard, we have two options...to grow bitter or better. I did not want to sit at the end of this journey of grief and be an angry, questioning, not trusting my Savior person! I wanted to be whole, healthy, and trusting in the goodness of God! I am so blessed and thankful to sit today, embracing this life journey that God has given me! My story is not over, He is still writing it. And I trust that the best is yet to come! 

I thought I would write a letter to Dave today and share it with you, my blog friends! 

Dear Dave,

You have now spend 1 earthly year in heaven. I can't help but think of you every single day. Not with sadness, but with rejoicing for you. There are days I really miss being your wife. I miss your laughter and your smile. I miss the way you shook when you laughed your hearty laugh. But I would never dream of asking you to come back, not even for a minute. 

I had my first dream about you just 2 weeks ago! It was so weird to converse with you. To hear your voice again and see your mannerisms. It really threw me that after almost a year, there you were. As upsetting as it was, it was also good to "see" you again. So strange this grief process...

I am doing well. I think you would be pleased and it would bring you peace to see where I am today with my life. God has taken care of me, just like I told you He would. I am living!! I am embracing where I am right now. And I look forward to whatever adventure He has in store for me. Maybe you already know...

I just want you to know that no matter where my life goes, you will always be part of it. You were a big portion in "The Life of Stephanie Szalla"! Though your part in my story ended one year ago, you greatly affect the plot in the rest of my story! God changed my life through knowing you. I learned Him in ways I never would have otherwise! You were a great tool He used in my life. I am grateful!

I am so thankful I got to walk your last 8 years on this earth with you. I am so glad we lived out our vows!!  I am grateful that I was holding your hand in that sweet moment for you! I am thankful that you "adopted" my kids! They still miss you as well! 

I rejoice knowing you are LIVING in a way I can only guess about, but someday will know as well! I am so thankful that you knew Jesus and made sure I knew you knew Jesus as well...it has brought such comfort and peace through my grief journey!

You are not forgotten...you never will be!


One year...12 Months...365 Days...I wonder what I will be writing one year from today?? I wonder what life will hold for me in the next 12 months?? I wonder what God adventures I will walk through in the coming 365 days?? 

Whatever it is, I am ready! And I am thankful to have known this man. I am thankful that I sit where I sit today. I am thankful for healing because of my Jesus! I am so thankful that God has never left me, even when I FELT like He had, He never did. Not for a moment. 

Today, I reflect, and I look forward as well...
1 year later... 
I still say, "God is good! I am loved! I am blessed!"

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