Just Me

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Assured Hope...

This week is a blur. I have been so busy and yet I feel like I have accomplished little. My mind is numb and busy all at the same time. I have good days and bad days. Today has been the latter. 

Sunday I took the kids to lunch at Texas Roadhouse. I wanted it to be a positive, family bonding experience. I was a mess. I thought about the last time Dave and I sat at Texas Roadhouse together....

It was in December when I took him away for his weekend. It was a time of sweet togetherness and he felt pretty good while we were there. He ate a huge steak, a 23 oz Porterhouse! He took very little back to our hotel. As we were getting ready to leave the hotel. He sat very somber on the couch and I asked if he was ready to go. He said "No." We both knew this was our last time away together. Our last date night.

...so as we sat there I thought of looking across the table at my husband. But he is gone. I told the kids "Do something funny quick, I'm gonna lose it." I thought I was going to have to cancel our orders and leave. I didn't, but I also didn't enjoy what I hoped to be a time of refreshment and togetherness. I was sitting there with my broken heart beating hard. I cried so easy off and on all day. Church was sweet, but a fog. I cried often. I think I will for a while. 

Monday was better, but Monday was also meeting to discuss the final details of the viewing. My friend offered to go with me. I agreed, although reluctantly. I didn't think I really needed someone with me. But it brought such comfort to have a friend, so close to my heart, sitting next to me in those minutes. The funeral director has been such a gift. I walked into his office, plastered with pictures of his family that he obviously adores, and worship music was playing in the background. He is so gifted with compassion and grace. He opened us up in prayer and was so encouraging to me through the process. There was some laughter as well as the difficult task of initialing and signing the papers needed for Dave's arrangements. I didn't want to give him permission to do those things to my husband...but I had to. Then he ended our time with worship. I had never heard the song before and it was perfect. I could envision Dave there at the feet of Jesus... 

All the saints and angels bow before your throne
All the elders cast their crowns before the Lamb of God and sing

You are worthy of it all! You are worthy of it all!
For from you are all things, and to you are all things
You deserve the glory

Day and night, Night and day, let incense rise
Day and night, Night and day, let incense rise
Day and night, Night and day, let incense rise

You are worthy of it all! You are worthy of it all!
For form you are all things, and to you are all things
You deserve the glory

As I sat and cried, with hands laid on me and friends praying for me, I wept hard. God is worthy of it all...Dave is with him for all of eternity and it is all because of God's love for him! I have peace about my husband because of my loving Jesus. The thoughts of God's goodness to me and to Dave flooded my mind and heart as I sat and praised my God in midst of my brokenness. He is worthy of it all.

Tuesday was his viewing. Do I really have to do this? Is this REALLY where I am? Our youth pastor came over that morning to plan the funeral. I dreaded that moment. But by the time he left, I was thankful for the celebration that we will hold on Saturday for Dave. I put off my shower and getting ready all day. I waited till I had to do it. As I stood in front of our bathroom mirror, I kept thinking of the many times I stood there preparing for a night out with my man. This was it. This was the last time I prepared myself for him. 

I had 4 friends gather and pray over me before we got the evening started. It was precious and sweet and the Lord made his appearance in their words. Dave looked wonderful! I was so surprised, they had done such a great job. I prepared a songlist to be played and debated on it for quite a while...but I had more than one person tell me that the atmosphere was wonderful. They walked in to worship and laughter. There were tears, but there was also HOPE! We can rejoice when a believer passes away because we hope like the world does not hope! 

But then the time came to walk away...how do you walk away?? We stood by him and wept. I said my good bye and walked away, but my girls lingered and wept. I didn't want to walk back up there but I knew I had to. I reminded them that he is not here, that is just the shell he used for his life on this earth. He does not need it any more. We all left, so heavy hearted. It was so hard to start my van and drive away from him, knowing that was the last time I would look at his face in this life. 

The days this week have been filled with checking off the to-do list. Calling and cancelling insurance, his disability, etc. "Hi. My husband passed away last Friday, so I need to..." It is hard to get through a call or a stop without breaking down and crying. It really happened. He is really gone. I had months to prepare...and like so many told me, there is nothing that can prepare you for these days.

I had the privilege of sitting with sisters last night and being prayed over. The Lord spoke and moved through each of them in his own unique way. I was able to share testimony of how I see God's hand. No matter what heartache I am experiencing, I see the goodness of my Jesus! He is making himself very real to me. I am blessed even in the middle of the brokenness...ONLY JESUS!

It is really hard to put into words where I am. I am devastated. I am aching. My heart is breaking. BUT, I have an ASSURED HOPE...Dave is no longer suffering in any way! And the word tells me that my Redeemer wants to give me beauty for these ashes! His word promises that He has a HOPE and a GOOD FUTURE for me! And I believe that! It says that he will work it all out for my good! I know the grief journey is a long one. I don't want to rush it, but I want it done at the same time. This is part of his plan for me. He wants me to learn to allow the Comforter to do his work. To hold me close and let me weep on him. 

Do you remember the push puppet from one of my early blogs? My mind is busy, my heart is broken, I am tired, but my core, my foundation does not move. 

God gives me songs. He gave me one today as I once again was on my way to say those words, "My husband passed away Friday and I need to..." I think I could have written the lyrics myself. It is my hearts cry and prayer right now. 

My delight...even in the depths of mourning and heartbreak...is in you Lord! On your word I set my heart  (Assured hope of those promises!). You are peace, you are calm....you light my way through the dark. I want to know you even more. Holiness is my desire! You refine me in your fire. 
Here I am! Open arms! Draw me close to your heart! You're my life!  You're my refuge! My delight is in you!  
My delight is in you Lord. You're the treasure I have found. YOU'RE THE ROCK WHERE I STAND, I WILL NOT BE MOVED! All my life is in your hands.

I like to think that every tear I cry is a little pain being washed away. There is a lot of pain, and I know there are a lot of tears coming. I still covet your prayers! Pray against the attacks of the enemy...he has been prowling! Pray for healing and redemption for our pain. Pray for God to be honored and glorified! Pray for our memorial services on Saturday as we honor Dave and worship the goodness of God and what he offers each of us...an eternity with him!

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