Grief is something I have never really experienced. I have lost people that I love, but none as close to me as my husband (what relationship is closer?). The past 12 days have been so busy. I have had moments when life is SO hard and I feel like I can't do it...and I have moments of laughter and feeling normal. I have gone on a few quick evening walks with my dog...I don't stay gone long, only circling about 2 blocks and I walk very slowly...it is a time of processing. I can't begin to tell you all that goes through my mind during those short outings...just me, my dog, and my thoughts...
Today I stood and looked out my back door...my thoughts, "Death is so final." Profound, huh! But these thoughts, these realities hit like a brick wall and you don't know when they are coming. All of a sudden they are there. This is it. It is me and my kids. He is gone. Life is different. I can't hug him. I can't kiss him. I can't look at his face. I can't go to dinner with him. I can't ask him to fix my van. I can't count on him to work hard and bring home a paycheck so I can make the house payment...I can't...I can't...I can't...
You would think after months of preparation for the end, months of him being inside our home, months of his health declining in front of me, months of mental, emotional, spiritual preparation, I would have been better prepared for this. But the truth is, like so many warned me, I had NO clue how it would hit or what it would be like. I feel so lost at times. Almost like I don't know how to act. Life is different. It is strange. And tonight, the tears are flowing and I just want 5 more minutes with him.
But I can't...
I have been starting to work on the mounds of paper work and phone calls that I have to take care of. I find myself feeling angry that I have to do all of this. Can't I just grieve?? Can't I just try to take care of my kids?? Can't we try to start our new normal?? Why do I have to do all of this?? Time is a factor for me, I need to get it done quickly so I can start working again. People have offered to help, but this is stuff that I have to do. And I don't want to do any of it. I just want to fast forward to the day it is all done and start life then. But we all know, that is not reality.
Grief...the best way to describe my 12 day experience...it feels like I am standing about knee deep out in the ocean...I am strong and I am free (the relief from Dave's suffering being over, the relief I have in not having the responsibility of his care) my arms are outstretched and my face is looking at the heavens, the warm sun beating down on me...then a HUGE wave crashes in on me and knocks me off my feet. Salty water, tears, cover my face as I do my best to stand to my feet again. I struggle, but I manage to gain my balance and get back on my feet, again steady and strong, arms outstretched, then another tidal wave hits me and knocks me down. I don't know when they will hit or how hard they will hit, but they just continue to hit, over and over. Waves of sadness! Waves of more load than I can bear, crashing down on me. Over and over and over and over...
But this is a journey that I have to walk through...I don't want to...but I have to. "Death is so final" there is no way around this journey. As I stood looking out my back door today and that thought came to me, I thought "If I didn't love him so much, it wouldn't hurt this bad." I hurt because I loved...would I really want to change that?? If the only way to not hurt right now was to turn off my heart towards my husband, would I do it? No way!!! So because I love, I walk this painful, excruciating path called grief. I face the tidal waves of emotions, thoughts, and tears. I will finish the mounds of paperwork and somehow find a way to be mom at the same time. And I will cry. I will cry a lot. I will cry more than I have ever cried before.
Tonight, I miss my Dave.
No comments:
Post a Comment