Just Me

Friday, September 20, 2013

77 Days Later...

This is my second blog attempt today. I started the other one and realized that no one wants to hear of my everyday happenings. Which was pretty much all it was about! So, I stopped and decided to wait till later when it popped into my mind what I want to write about...

It has been 77 days since I said my earthly good-bye to Dave...my life feels completely different now.

I am settling into single life. I have days when I really, REALLY miss being married. I like serving the man I love. I miss making him a cup of coffee and cooking him a meal after he worked hard all day. But I am adjusting. 

I am getting to focus on my kids. I have been able to be more deliberate in time with them. We are scheduling a family night at least every 2 weeks. Sarah is a senior, so I know time is winding down before we have more changes in our family! 

I am also getting ready for my second year leading Friday morning women's Bible study at my church. I am excited (and nervous) about this adventure! My heart is for women's ministry and so I embrace this opportunity from my Jesus! I am thankful he has entrusted me with this endeavor!

That's a short version of life...but what I want to share is that God has just been pouring himself out on me. I am blown away at all He has done in the 77 days since Dave's passing.

I believe that since the Garden of Eden, God has been all about REDEMPTION! What our enemy means for evil, God will turn into something good! Because of our sin, Jesus shed his blood to redeem us! There are so many verses on God pouring his goodness out and HE LOVES to bless his kids! And he has blown me away!!!

I spent hours feeling trapped in my home while taking care of Dave. It was a grueling, HARD process...I have now had 3...yes THREE vacations!!! ONLY Jesus!!!

We had a $6,000 deductible every year. Then we owed 80/20 of the balances. We did get some financial assistance from OSU which was a huge help. BUT, for some "unexplainable" reason, I owe right around $6,000 TOTAL on all medical bills!!! ONLY JESUS!!!

I was told I was only eligible for the one time $255 spousal benefit from Social Security. I went this week for my appointment to take care of everything. I had previously spoken with someone on the phone who told me that I could not get benefits for my kids and I had also looked it up on line and it looked like I was ineligible...but we did qualify! THANKFUL!!! (and shocked!)

I was able to purchase a 2011 Honda Odyssey for our family! It is BEAUTIFUL! (if I could have picked any color, this would have been it...BONUS!!!) I am so thankful for such a great vehicle that should last us for a LONG time! And the kids are thrilled with the DVD player in it! 

I have been able to spend time with friends, MANY friends! After so many long days of feeling isolated and trapped, I am free and I have been able to really enjoy my time with them! This morning, I met up with the fourth friend this week! I am SO thankful and blessed!!!

My latest road trip was to St Louis with my cousin for the Love Life Women's Conference! It was A-MA-ZING!!!! Joyce Meyer, Priscilla Shirer, and Andy Stanley all spoke. Matt Redman and Kristy Nockels led worship. And Natalie Grant sang at each session and Jesus Culture put on an incredible concert on Friday evening! God poured himself out and spoke to our hearts. I shed many tears as we sang of our wonderful Jesus! My thoughts would drift to my husband and the hope I have KNOWING where he is right now! 

I am amazed that most of my tears are in my worship. I hear songs of Calvary-my thoughts become, "Lord, because YOU DIED, Dave lives!" Death has been defeated..."YES JESUS! The last breath was really his first breath of REALLY living!!!" When we sing "Holy, Holy, Holy" I have to wonder if I am joining in with Dave at the throne right then...Music brings on sweet, joy filled tears!

I have wondered if I am processing things well. I have been happy. Truly happy! (as in Joy filled) I have peace. Even when there is an issue at hand, God's peace is over whelming. God has poured financially on my family. So thankful that for now, I am ok. As I look back over the past year, I realize that I began grieving in December last year. Things changed for us then. My roles in his life changed from wife to more of a care giver. I went through a time of depression and just thought it was because of self-pity...but I know now it was grief. I also went through a valley in the grieving process in March. Deep sadness. I was dealing with a lot of tough stuff! I could list other times during those months that I could pinpoint as a grieving...but looking back now, I realize, I have been grieving for about 9 months. 

I am thankful for the goals that God laid on my heart early on in this process with Dave. 1) Be real...and I did a lot of that through this blog. 2) Learn all that God had for me to learn. I believe that was accomplished! He taught me so much and I am still learning...as time goes by, I see more unfolding in it. God is good! 3) Not just survive the journey, but thrive in it! (there's a sermon in that one!) The journey was HARD, but I am so thankful that God sustained in incredible ways. He truly met every need!

So, as I sit here today, I sit in amazement at all he has done. He is bringing healing to my heart. I walk in joy and peace. I rejoice knowing where Dave is right now! I have a deeper, more intimate relationship with my loving Jesus than ever! I can't wait to see what he has next for me. I am LIVING! And I am not just living, I am living abundantly! ONLY JESUS can do that after the loss of a spouse! 

I am thankful!
I am blessed!
I am loved!

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