Just Me

Sunday, August 25, 2013

51 Days Later...

I had no intention of blogging today, but I feel like I need to. I was in bed last night settling in for the night and I started messing around on twitter. I came across Dave's account...I saw his picture...it is so strange how those moments hit you. I read his tweets...his words. That's what I have left! Memories, the things he left his mark on in this life. I have pictures of him all through the house, but something about that picture stirred my heart and mind. 

I woke up this morning and started getting ready for church. I was killing a little time and messing around on facebook when I decided it was time. I have mentioned that I miss being married. Along with that, is the fact that I do not feel married and haven't for some time. I think it was probably in December when my role switched from wife to more care-giver. It has been a long time since I felt like I was a married woman. I miss it...a LOT! But the picture I had as my profile picture was a picture of Dave and I. Today, I changed it to a picture of me and my kids. This is life now. I am moving forward in this process. They are who I put my efforts, energy, and emotions into. Another small step forward...

I went to church, as always, expecting the Lord to move. And He did. Our worship lately has been so powerful, Holy Spirit filled, moving! And today something happened to me during worship. The worship leader introduced a new song to us as a church, but it was not new to me! I have sang it many times in my van while driving, but today it REALLY hit me differently. It might be because it was the first time I have heard it since Dave died. And it might be because of where I am right now. Whatever reason, it was profound to me. The song is "Here's My Heart" by David Crowder. But I think you could sub-title it "The Widow's Song"! Here are the lyrics and what went on in my mind and heart as we were singing:

Here's my heart, Lord
Here's my heart, Lord
Here's my heart, Lord
Speak what is true!

I am found!
(As a 41 yr old widow, I could feel very lost! Where do I fit in? Most widows are much older than I am. I am a single mom too. I have a pretty unique position in this life and could easily feel so lost in this world...BUT I don't! Thank you Jesus!)

I am Yours!
(I may not belong to a man on this earth, but I do belong to my Savior! I am his daughter, his bride!)

I am loved!
(I don't have a husband here to hold me, to tell me he loves me. But I AM perfectly loved by the one with unconditional love!)

I'm made pure!
(Through the blood of my Jesus, I am made pure. He sees me covered in the blood of his son and I have the promise of heaven. I am pure in his eyes! Just like Dave!)

I have life!
(I have known people who when they have lost a loved one, life seems to stop. Life stopped for a time for me through his illness. Caregiving became my life...but life is continuing for me. I feel it. I see it. I am doing it! I have life!)

I can breathe!
(There have been moments when the pain was so heavy that I felt like I couldn't breathe! But that is being transformed into thanksgiving for what God has done for Dave and for me. I would NEVER ask him to come back to this life! He has eternal life with Jesus! Praise God! And because of that hope, I can breathe deep, the beauty of those promises! Thank you Jesus for giving Dave an eternal home! And thank you for your word that makes my life so much easier to process and be filled with the hope you offer!)

I am healed!
(I can not say, I have been healed in this grief process yet. I have a long way to go before I can say I am healed in it. BUT, I am better than I was 50 days ago. God has done amazing things in me! My view of my life is much different today than it was 50 days ago. I am learning and growing! In the eyes of Jesus the healing is done...I just have to walk through this normal, weird process called grief!)

I am free!
(This encompasses a lot! Too much to write about. But I already feel the chains of this process falling off of me. I am lighter in heart, mind, and spirit! I walk in the hope that God's word promises...FREEDOM!)

You are strong!
(In those moments when I have felt so over-whelmed and weak...days when it hurt too much to go on, He has carried me! So thankful for the strong arms of the Savior!)

You are sure!
(There is so much uncertainty in the life of a widow/single mom. So many questions and not always enough answers! BUT, God and his word ARE SURE! I can count on Him and what His word promises to me! So thankful!)

You are life!
(Life continues...because of the hope in him! Dave didn't stop living, He just started his eternity of life! He would want me to continue with my life too! And the best way to do that is with my Jesus! Life does go on...because of Him!)

You endure!
(Life with Dave came to a close. But life with Jesus goes on forever! No matter what I have to endure, God will give me the strength to endure! 
-did you get that??-

You are good!
(My motto early in this cancer process became 
"God is good! All the time! No matter what!"
Sticking with it! It's true! He has been SO good to me!

Always true!
(I can count on Him! He keeps his word!)

You are light breaking through!
(I have had MANY dark days, nights, and in betweens! BUT God's goodness always shines through those moments!)

You are more than enough!
(I know I am not enough to walk the path in front of me. It is daunting and hard. BUT God is MORE than enough for me to not just survive, but THRIVE in it! He will get me through...and He has!)

You are here!
(When I don't like where I am, whether it is a decision that I have to make that I don't want to make, or if it is those moments when I REALLY miss having my husband, He is here with me NOW, in that moment! Thank you Jesus for being here! For never leaving me!)

You are love!
(I miss getting a text that says, "I love you babe!" But I have a whole book that shows me the perfect, unconditional love of my Jesus! I have a lifetime of stories that SHOW me He loves me! He is perfect love...if I never marry again, I am loved!)

You are hope!
(A while back, I stated that my future in the eyes of earthly standard seemed hopeless...BUT I serve a God that LOVES to work in hopeless situations and pour himself out so people can see him and say, "ONLY JESUS"! Jer 29:11! I have a future FULL of hope!!)

You are grace!
(I am so thankful for his grace! I have had moments of walking in the emotions of the day...He is FULL of grace for this weary, sinful woman!)

You're all I have!
(And He is truly all I need!)

You're everything!
(He has become my everything...the one I desire and love! And when we have him, we have everything we will ever need!)

Here's my heart, Lord!
Here's my heart, Lord!
Here's my heart, Lord!
(What better hands could I put my heart into? I have a heart that needs his loving touch of healing and wholeness. I have a heart that at times aches with missing my husband. I have a heart that has wounded places that only Jesus can heal! And I know in time, He will complete the work that needs done!)

Speak what is true!
Here's my life, Lord!
Here's my life, Lord!
Here's my life, Lord!
(He has my life. I know I have a ministry ahead of me, serving women. I am waiting on him to open the doors and lead me in whatever direction that will be. My life is his! So thankful that he can use me to do his work! A life submitted to the Lord is never going to be dull!)

Speak what is true!

I think this song was my sermon before the sermon today! I am so thankful that the few words in this song, spoke so many words to my widow's heart! God is working and moving in my life. I am moving forward...and I have hope! 

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