Just Me

Monday, August 12, 2013

38 Days Later....

Life has been SO crazy since that night. He died then it was gearing up for the viewing...then the memorial...then the next week, getting the girls ready for Chicago...then it was me getting ready for DC...then packing for Mackinaw City, MI for our family vacation. Honestly, there has been little time to really allow it all to sink in. I have moments when things just hit like a brick wall. And sometimes those moments are really good...like when God just pours Himself out over me!!! But things do hit. 

Things like...

I miss being married. I see couples holding hands and I think, "I might never experience that again on this earth." Or, I think about never kissing my husband again. I enjoyed our kisses. I miss our kisses. I miss getting a text in the middle of the work day saying, "I love you Babe!" Babe was my favorite nickname that he called me. When Dave and I met, I was looking for a husband. We met on-line. I have no intention at this point to "LOOK" again. For now, my plan is raising my kids and seeking out the ministry He has for me. I have seen several quotes lately on God's love for his Bride and my heart can't help but smile when I think that I am the Bride of Jesus! And He truly adores me! So thankful for that truth.

I have no one to call. When mom and I were in Mackinaw with my kids, she called dad and let him know we made it ok. It really hit me there, that the other times I had gone away like that, I would call Dave and check in. I couldn't do that. I wanted to call and tell him that I missed him and fill him in on our adventures. But I can't. It was a slap of reality for me.

I have made some decisions on things for my kids. I didn't have him to talk those things over with. It was all on me. There are many times in life when two ARE better than one! 

I have had car trouble since he passed away. It all got taken care of thankfully. I knew the day would come for me, but it hit way to quick for my liking and my very talented mechanic husband wasn't there.

These are somewhat little things, that when you are grieving your spouse, become really big things. I have been walking and seen a couple together and had to gear my thoughts elsewhere or the tears would flow. I see friends on facebook talking about their husbands and their date nights together...I get envious. 

I always said the worst loss would be my child. That is not the natural order of life. But, as I have been processing my grief and thinking about this journey, it hit me that the ONLY relationship that God refers to as "The two become one" is the marital relationship. You can not "compare" what loss is greatest, but losing a spouse is a horrible loss to walk through. And I am journeying that heart-breaking road. I only had 8 years with him. But I was counting on a life time. Every so often I realize that I really am a 41 year old widow....it is sobering.

I have sat and thought about what he is experiencing. I know only my selfishness could ask him to return. My love however, is ecstatic for him and what he has in front of him, for all of eternity. As much as I miss him, I could NEVER ask him to come back to me. 

So, what next? Life goes on. Time doesn't stop. What is next in this journey of life for me?

For one, continued healing. I have plans to join a support group, with a Scriptural base, in September. I look forward to what God is going to do in my life in those 13 weeks!

I am setting some goals as a mom. Like one-on-one time with  my  kids. And a family night at least once every 2 weeks. Schedules are CRAZY, but I know we need that as a family. I have a Senior year ahead of me with my oldest and so that brings its own emotions and challenges! 

I am working on some personal goals for me. I have GOT to get the weight off that I have gained through this process. I am starting to make a few changes, just can't handle too many at once for now. BIG success for me is that I have not had pop in almost 3 weeks! That is HUGE!!! Adding little things, till I eventually make big changes! Another personal goal is to read more! I always say, I love to read, just don't have time for it. I lay in bed every night and watch tv for an hour or so before I go to sleep...I am reading a chapter (or more) each night. Currently, I am reading "Confessions of a Grieving Christian" by Zig Ziglar. Excellent book!!! At times it is like reading my own story. 

I am also gearing up for our fall women's Bible study at church. Last year was the first year that I was in charge of it. God has burned a passion for women's ministry in my heart and I am excited to see how He will use me! I am open to whatever doors he opens for me...even if it means I gotta step outside of my comfort zone! God has a purpose and a plan for me. I knew that before Dave found out he was terminal. Now, there is a whole new realm of women that I can relate to! God is going to use this...just waiting for doors to open. Until they do, I will serve where I am. And I LOVE leading our Friday morning studies. So, I am taking steps forward in my life. 

I know this isn't my typical blog. I think I just needed to write where I am and where I have been. For the most part, I am doing really well. My hope is in Jesus! I know where Dave is and what he left behind! I envy him! I am happy FOR him! But I miss him terribly! I can't take off my wedding ring. I know it is not the time for that yet. I made an Origami Owl locket for him and wore it to the viewing and the memorial. I put his wedding band on it. I have a hard time, not wearing it. I LOVE wearing it! If you see me and ask me how I am, I probably will respond, "Good"...I even responded with "Wonderful" the other day. Weird. But yet, I know where I am in this process. I know what Jesus has done in my life and heart. And I am wonderful because of him. It doesn't mean the pain isn't still there...it just means I have true, sweet, beautiful HOPE! 

I am blessed!

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