Just Me

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

144 Days Later...

At some point in our lives, more than once I am sure, we have braced ourselves for a storm. Whether it was when the tornado sirens were sounding and you ran to the basement and took cover. Or maybe the snow storm was coming and so you ran to Wal-mart with the rest of your hometown to buy bread and milk before we were snowed in for a month...(at least that seems to be the case here in my hometown!). Or maybe you live by the ocean and the hurricane was approaching. So you boarded up windows and did whatever else is necessary to prepare for the storm ahead.

Some storms in life we have warning for, others we do not. 

I had the warning for the storm of being a widow. I had time to prepare. Dave even helped me prepare for the legal/financial side of this journey. SO thankful for that! 

But for the past 10 days, and what seems much longer than that, I have been hit with storms...plural...big ones...ones that I didn't prepare for. Ones that have made me sit back and say, "Are you kidding me Jesus?? Why more?? Why these?? Why NOW?? Have I not been through ENOUGH??"

Ever been there??

There...when you seriously just want to quit.
There...when you start to doubt all you have said that you believe.
There...when you crumble emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.


There...is where I have been. And it has stretched me and tested me. I have been heart broken, angry (well, more like enraged!), hurt, alone, discouraged, doubting, devastated. 

One thing that I have learned through grief is GRACE. Not just the grace that Jesus has lavished me with and poured over me this year, but the grace that I need to extend to myself. Lets face it, when it gets right down to it, I am human. My first reaction is to FEEL. (guess you could also add "I am a woman" to that list!) I was designed and created by God to feel emotionally. But, a key to overcoming life's battles is to not be ruled by my feelings, but to be ruled by what I know is truth.

God kept speaking to my heart Phil 4:8 "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." I had to stop and ask myself what I knew...what is the TRUTH about each every battle that I am facing?? 

Truth...God is good.
Truth...God is in control.
Truth...God LOVES, adores, seeks after, wants to be close to me.
Truth...God is faithful.
Truth...God fights for me.
Truth...God holds me.
Truth...I am never alone.

So, with the help of my Jesus. And with much meditating on the TRUTH of His word, and pouring music that spoke "Restoration" to my spirit. After asking my sisters and brothers in Christ to do battle for me and PRAY BIG BOLD prayers, I was able to refocus and walk in joy. A year ago, I would have beat myself up and threw a pity party that might have lasted a month of longer...but grief has taught me a lot. It has taught me that I CAN feel and that I SHOULD feel...but that my feelings are not what I can stand on. Our feelings get us into a lot of trouble! Our feelings should NEVER be the compass in our life. God's word, God's truth should be our one and only compass! 

As the tidal waves crashed over me, one right after another...in various forms, my anchor was secure and strong! I was beaten up, I was tossed about, a few times, I thought I was going under...but Jesus pulled me through. 

My battles are still raging...I am asking for my friends to pray and do battle on my behalf. Some involve decisions that I will need to make and I need God's direction to make the right ones. Some are completely out of my hands and I can ONLY trust that God will fight on my behalf. 

One of my battles is the holidays. I was honestly not expecting it to be so hard. I am not only carrying my load of emotion, but also trying to help my kids with theirs. This is our first Thanksgiving without Dave. I will miss sitting by my husband for dinner on Thursday. I will miss watching him enjoy my macaroni and cheese and the cheesecake I will make. I will miss his presence. BUT, I can give thanks because he is FREE from the pain in this life! He is giving thanks TO God himself, face to face! There is much to rejoice over. Perspective...truth...Phil 4:8

I choose to stand on truth. The truth of His word. I choose to give thanks in everything...

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