163 Days Later...

Grief is a strange, strange journey. Lately it has been the little things that hit. And they hit in weird ways. 

Tonight I was making one of my seasonal favorites with my son. A yummy recipe "Harvest Spiced Nuts"...candied pecans. My house smelled DE-LISH!!! As I am mixing them up and spreading them on the parchment paper to throw into the oven, I remembered making these each year with my Dave in mind. He LOVED them! There was a void though when I pulled them out of the over...he wouldn't be here to enjoy them. Sadness. An empty place. Absence. Loneliness. 

We had our annual "COOKIE FIASCO DAY" yesterday. My sister-in-law, cousins, and all the kiddos gather and the kids go crazy with the frosting and sprinkles! The adults roll buckeyes and oreo balls! This is my favorite tradition that we have during the holidays. This year, I didn't have to worry about being done before Dave got home...Again...a reminder. 

Last Tuesday I had the opportunity to attend a Christmas meal for widows. I RSVP'd without knowing what it would stir in my heart. There is something about being able to attend a dinner for widows that really wakes you up. I fit that invite this year...reality hit. I hoped that I would maybe meet one other widow my age, but I was quite a bit younger than all of the attendees. I had the privilege of attending with my co-director for our Friday morning Bible study. It was a time of sweet fellowship chatting more about life than we normally get to! The food was great! The gifts were in abundance! The show choir from Troy Christian High School did a great job! The joy of Jesus was apparent on the face of the director of the event! And Jesus' love was poured over each of us widows. (and I ended the night with a new friend!) 

I was chatting with a friend today and she shared that she and her husband were going away for a much deserved couple of days! I was so happy for her...and yet so envious! One emotion as strong as the other. I see friends on facebook that are getting a date night with their husband...happy for them and rooting them on in their relationship...yet, oh so envious that I am missing that in my life. 

I have honestly done well with my journey until the holidays came around. I love the excitement of Christmas with my kids...the lights, the yummy goodies, all the baking, family, friends, parties, gifts, decorations...all of it. I miss being married. I miss doing all of this with my husband. It was so strange to shop this year, and not shop for him. I gave the kids some money to shop for me...it is not about the getting...but I don't think I could have sat through Christmas morning with nothing to open-just too much of a reminder that he is not here to celebrate with this year. 

So, in honor of my husband...

ENJOY your spouse this year! 

ENJOY your kids this year! 

Savor EVERY SINGLE MOMENT!

I am doing all I can do to make this year special for our family. I splurged a little on the gifts which adds some fun. I have some fun planned for us over the Christmas break. But I anticipate some tears mixed in. And that is ok. And really, that is good. We loved him. We miss him. I wouldn't ask him to come back for a minute, and yet there are times that I would give about anything to feel him curled up behind me in bed, or have him walk in the door after work and hug me and say, "Hi Babe!" My mistletoe is hung, but I won't get my Christmas kiss. My first Christmas without my husband...my first Christmas as a widow. 

I am thankful I am not truly alone. My Jesus is with me every step of the way. He has been breathing HOPE into my heart lately. He has been filling my heart with HOPE lately. This year has been a HARD one...probably the hardest I have ever endured. But God is good and He is holding me when I don't have a husband to hold me. He is walking with me each and every moment. He is giving me the strength I need each and every day. He is HOPE, PEACE, JOY, and LOVE! He carries me when I can not take another step. He shields me from the blows of the enemy. He lights the path before me. And He chose to be born as a baby so He could die for me...so I can live with Him! 

Even though I am missing Dave tonight...I am so thankful that I know where he is...He is with that babe who's birth we celebrate in a week...he is with the one who bled and died so we can live...He is with the Messiah! He is with JESUS!