Just Me

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

166 Days Later...and lots of flashbacks...

It has now been 166 days since I lost my husband. 

We had been through 3 1/2 years of battling the awful disease called cancer. During his battle with cancer, he had numerous procedures, 2 major operations, 3 smaller operations, not to mention the MANY doctor's appointments. I could be your tour guide at OSU Medical Center after all the visits we made over there. I have knowledge about many things I had no clue about before. And I learned it all through the journey through the disease. 

This week has been a challenging week for me personally. I have had lots of "right back in the heart of cancer" moments that I did not anticipate. One of my dear friends had open heart surgery Monday at the Ross Heart Hospital at OSU. As the day went by, I pictured where she was, what was probably occurring and when. I pictured that moment when her husband kissed her good-bye and walked away from her while pleading with the Father to bring her through the ordeal. I pictured the hours of waiting for the family in the waiting room. I pictured when the doctor came out and delivered the news...and it was good! I could picture it because I have walked it. And I re-walked it from my home on Monday. 

Yesterday, my oldest daughter had her tonsils removed. I got up EARLY to prepare for the drive to the hospital. I woke her up knowing what was ahead for her that day and dreading it with her. I parked in the hospital parking garage and got out, knowing all I was doing was bringing us to the point of surgery for her. We walked into the hospital...familiar sounds, smells, sights...we checked in...flashbacks of the cancer journey...they called us back and the prep began. All the questions. I remember when Dave's list was so short and I remember when it was LONG. I remember walking through every process that lengthened his health history with thoughts like...it just keeps growing...when will it end? I had to walk away when they came to get her...flashbacks...I sat and waited by myself thinking about all the hours I sat in that same chair waiting on my husband...wondering how things were going and praying for him. Thankfully her surgery was fast and I didn't sit long. The doctor came out and spoke with me...just like with Dave...and then after a while I was able to go back and see her. The moment of relief...again. Once she was able to leave, I went back to the garage to pick her up. SO MANY MEMORIES flooded back that I did not anticipate. The walking in the house and settling the patient. Then the running to the store to pick up the painkillers and whatever else was needed for the recoup process...coming home and starting the meds. Making lists of when each med needs taken...setting timers so I don't forget. And today my youngest daughter had her wisdom teeth out....some of those things stirred again.

It ALL flooded back...

And it really surprised me...

I was not prepared.

All the feelings have come back. The feelings of the stress of hoping there are no complications. The times when something seems not quite right and not really knowing if it is something to be concerned about or not. 

It has all flooded back. And I have tried to diminish what it has stirred. "The girls procedures were simple, not complicated surgeries. This is NOT the same. But that doesn't matter. So many things that I walked through with Dave came flooding back through the events of this week. 

Grief is a weird thing. You never know when it will hit or how. I am not caring for my husband this time, but my children. I carry the some of the same concerns and worries. I am handing out meds. I got really tired of handing out meds and constantly having to remember when the next dose was due. It is all very real again. And it has been over 5 months since he was here. 

Maybe this process with the girls will do some cleansing of my heart and mind. I have said many times I miss serving my husband, today I am serving my girls. My heart is not hurting for my husband and his pain, but the pain of my daughters. 

Flashbacks...they will happen...thankful I have a Savior that didn't just walk with me through the journey with Dave, but He is walking with me through my journey with my girls. Thankful that Dave's pain is over forever and that my girls' pain from this experience, will come to an end in a matter of days. I am thankful that yesterday is behind us and healing is ahead...and I believe it is ahead for us in more than just a physical sense. 

God is good. He is the healer. He is getting us through. He has not failed. He sustains. He holds me in the moment and in the flashbacks. And for ALL He is, I am thankful!

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