Just Me

Friday, February 14, 2014

32 Weeks, 224 Days Later...Valentine's Day...

I have been preparing myself for today. I have asked friends to pray for me that my heart is not heavy and I do not feel the loneliness that this day can bring. I shared in my last blog how God met me and poured over me on the night of the dance. And He is doing the same thing today. 

I am walking right now in such a sweet place. I feel that closeness to the Lord that shines joy in every moment. I am overwhelmed at the prayers He is answering and the direction He is giving in my life. So far, 2014 has been an exciting, NEW journey for me in life! 

Wednesday morning I was driving and doing some business with God. And like many times before, He used a song to reach and move in my spirit. The song is "Undivided Heart" by Vicky Beeching. I had never heard it until about 2 weeks ago via a facebook post...and it gripped me. As I prayerfully sang this song, tears flowed out of gratitude for where I have been, what He has brought me through, and where I am right now in my life. 

Brokenness has brought me to my knees
Face to face with all that's dark in me
I can barely see You through my shame
Jesus come and wash me white again

Flood me with Your healing light
Help me choose what's true and right

Give me an undivided heart 
I want to love You with every part
Give me an undivided soul
I want to be Yours alone Yours alone

At the cross I find Your open arms
Reminding me there's grace for all I've done 
With Your blood You wipe away my past 
Taking on Yourself my sin and scars 

By Your power help me change 
Break off every single chain 

You make all things new
So take my ashes and make them something beautiful
Do what only You can do 
Take my ashes and make them something beautiful

Anyone who has read my blog, knows my brokenness. You know the journey that I have recorded for almost a year now. God has flooded my life with healing. I have shared that through my Grief Share group, I realized my grieving began in Nov 2012. God gave me three pivotal moments since Dave passed away, and I believe He has healed my heart. I am moving forward. I am embracing the life ahead. And I am truly happy. I have received much redemption for me pain, just like His word has promised and I know He is not done yet. He has broken off the chains of grief.  He has "flooded me with His healing light"...He has poured over my heart, my mind, my soul in ways I can not express. 

But what grips my heart about this song is the chorus and bridge. So many things creep into our lives that tries to divide our hearts. Whether it is pain and heartache, or even something good, like the changes I have made with my health, it is easy to have our hearts divided and the love that our Father deserves goes elsewhere. Our focus changes. And soon we have lost that connection that we so desire with Him. My prayer is that no matter what happens in my life, my heart is and will always be first and foremost His. 

The bridge...you make all things new, so take my ashes and make them something beautiful...And HE IS! He is doing such amazing things in my life. My heart has been for women's ministry for a long time and He is birthing that in wonderful, reassuring ways. I live with a joy deep down, that can not be explained. When I think about where I was just one year ago, I am blown away by where I am today. He has truly healed my heart. He is redeeming and bringing the new thing into my life. It is something that ONLY a loving God can do! 

So, today. It is Valentine's Day. A day I dreaded. I have reflected about where I was one year ago. I remember giving a Caring Bridge update on Dave, but it was more like a blog post. It was that post that made me consider blogging. Here is what I shared on February 14, 2013:

"It's Valentine's Day...the day you honor and show love to those closest to you. I can not say I am excited about the day...as a matter of fact I honestly dreaded its arrival. I have anticipated it and prepared for it the best I could, but it still hits...Dave does not feel good all the time. He goes to work and comes home and that is honestly all the energy he has in him. He does not feel good enough for a night out at a restaurant. I can not cook an elaborate dinner for him, many things turn his stomach. (what sounds good one day will not appeal at all the next) Sweets do not appeal to him, so no fun, fancy desserts or a box of chocolate. I am trying to enjoy the fact that we are together, but in all honesty, that is not enough for me today. My heart is heavy with our reality. There are some things for us that have changed and will not be "normal" again. I feel like a wife only in the tasks I perform and in sitting with him in support. This road at times is SO weary. Today, it is a weary day. I feel lonely and sad about the future for us. 

I hesitate to post this. But the truth is, this is part of my journey with a terminal illness. God is good and he sustains, but I am not always on the mountain top with him, there are times he walks with me in the valley. I am frustrated with myself that I can not allow the fact that we are together, be enough. There are people I know of, who just recently lost their spouse, what they would give to just sit together today...I want more though...I want to make memories and have moments I will cherish in days ahead. Most nights, it is fatigue and silence though. 

My heart aches today. Aches for dreams unfulfilled. Aches for my husband who feels bad daily. Aches for what he has to process mentally and emotionally. Aches for what he is experiencing physically.

My heart aches for many women who do not feel loved by their spouse or are walking this life alone. I know of MANY that ache with loneliness in marriage. And I know of many who are alone on Valentine's Day after failed marriages. And I know that pain personally. 

My heart aches. I am hurting in my journey today. I am thankful that I will not remain here, that with the prayers and encouragement of my friends, and most of all, the love of my Savior, I will not stay in this Valentine's Day Valley! It is just part of this journey, part of my story. 

I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Bridegroom that can heal my hurting heart. I am thankful that he does not condemn me, but wraps his arms around me and comforts my aching heart. I am thankful that he can use me, even in the valleys of life. I am thankful that he knows me, and I know him. I am thankful that he never leaves me nor does he forsake me.  I am thankful that I can trust him. I am thankful that he has a plan of good for my life. I am thankful that he WILL redeem the pain in this life. I am thankful that he will give me beauty for my ashes, laughter for my tears, joy for my sadness. 

Thank you Jesus, for your perfect, unconditional, never changing love. Hold those who hurt today. Be the salve needed to heal wounded hearts. Fill the empty places in lives. Woo us in the way that only you can. Thank you Jesus for your plan of good for your children. Thank you for redeeming our pain. You are good!"

Redemption...one year...I reread those words and tears come again, but they are tears of sweet joy and thankfulness for what Jesus has done in my life. For what He has already redeemed and what He is yet to do.

I get to spend my day with my dear sisters at our Bible study this morning. God has given me such a love for them and knit our hearts. I am truly thankful for the many women that I dearly love. And tonight, a sweet friend asked me to be her Valentine while her hubby is out of town. It felt really good to be thought of and remembered. I expected today to be a hard day. A really hard day. And it hasn't been. And it will not be. Because I have a God who keeps His word. I have a loving Savior who is fulfilling Jer 29:11 in my life. 

I am enjoying my Valentine's Day and I am deeply loved by the lover of my soul. By my Abba Bridegroom. and I am thankful!

"See, I am doing a NEW thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland!" Is 43:19

No comments:

Post a Comment