This is a grueling process. Friday night, I sat by his bed all night long, thinking he would be gone by morning. Then morning came, and afternoon, then evening...and so on...I geared myself emotionally, mentally, and the adrenaline was pumping. The best way to descibe this process is like when I was pregnant. I would go to bed every night hoping that pain would awaken me and I would be off to the hospital to welcome my precious baby. But this anticipation is accompanied with overwhelming sadness and at the same time, so much relief. I guess I am waiting on a birth, his eternal birth. But also much sorrow for those that love him.
I was supposed to have a nurse Saturday night, but there was some mis-communication, so I had to get up every so often all night long, to check on him and give him meds. (Friday we stopped all his pills. So he is now getting liquid morphine and meds for nausea.) So, not only have I been drained emotionally and mentally, but also physically. Everyone says to take care of me, but how do you do that in these moments? Sunday I did get sleep...a LOT of sleep and it helped tremendously. Each day I wake up and wonder, will he be with Jesus tonight? I could carry a lot of guilt over hoping to see changes, but I know it is normal and at the core of my desire is that I want his suffering to end!
I sat by him today and looked at what is left of him, and thought "God why? Why do you allow this man to lay here day after day, suffering? Why do you allow my kids lives to be flipped upside down while they watch and wait for him to pass away? Why do you put me on this 'Caretaker Island' day in and day out, wanting to do something, anything to help him. Watching the man I have loved and served SLOWLY fade in front of me. You could take him home. You could take him home NOW. Please, God, take him now."
And then I have to remember...God has a plan and a purpose...and someway, somehow, He will use this for our good. I also know that in a few weeks, I will wish I could just go sit with him, one more time. I try to see this as precious time. But I really struggle with that. I am with him, that is the only thing precious I see in this. The rest is horrible.
I have been gearing up for the days to come. The kids and I have talked about some of what will happen when he does pass away. We are living day by day. I am allowing them to go places, but they know to keep their phones handy so I can call them home if needed. Life for me is on hold. The nurse advised that I stay home if it is vital to me that I am with him. And it is. I want to hold his hand when he breaths his last breath. I guess I want to put his hand into the hand of Jesus.
I have been pleading that Jesus will take him home. And He will, as soon as Dave has finished whatever work God has had for him. I don't understand why God is allowing him day after day in that bed, but I do know God is good. And his plan is right. And I can trust him.
I am asking that you pray. Pray for Jesus to welcome Dave home soon. Pray that He will welcome him home today.
And then pray for every heart that will ache in that moment. Pray for the salve of our hope in Christ to wash over those aching hearts and in time, heal every hole left with Dave's absence.
May the God of HOPE fill you with ALL JOY and PEACE as you trust in him., so that you may overflow with HOPE by the POWER of the Holy Spirit! Romans 15:13
Steph, as I read your blog today, I couldn't help but think of the many people waiting at the foot of the cross as Jesus was dying and watching for his last breath. Especially his close friends and his mother, Mary. As he asked John to look after his mother and take her into his home, I know Dave is probably praying to the Lord in his mind to have God send someone your way to look after you and care for you over these next few months. We will be praying. The time after the passing of a loved one is the hardest after all of the activity of the funeral and family and friends by your side. Then reality sets in and it is back to starting to a "normal" routine. Love you, Pat and Floyd
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