Just Me

Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Day Filled with Thinking...

Today has been one of those days...I was able to go to church and worship and focus on my God...SO good as always! I left encouraged and focused. 

Came home and got the house ready for guests, my mom had planned a meal to celebrate my birthday. My brother and his family were here and also my aunt and cousin. I wasn't myself and felt a little guilty for not being more chipper at my birthday meal. I didn't sleep well last night and I know when I am running low on sleep, it flows over into everything else...EHSR! (Extra Holy Spirit Required) 

But there was something about today...

The last time we sat for a family meal, Dave was healthier. He wasn't at his best, but he was far from where he is now. And it really wasn't that long ago. He ate a little and sat longer than he felt like sitting. I sat with thoughts I wish I wasn't thinking...is this my last birthday with him?? How many more family meals will I have with my husband?? I wonder what everyone is thinking?? and so on...

It was a week ago yesterday that he had his surgery and it feels like an eternity. I knew it was a long week for me, but wow, looking back, I didn't realize HOW LONG...the week ahead is jam packed and I really don't know how I will get everything done that I need to. We have more to deal with this week that is HARD to deal with-finalizing his will, DJFS (hoping to qualify this month after all), labs and a dr appt that may tell us we can not go on with treatments...and of course normal life on top of it all. 

I am starting to think about the road ahead...what this means for my kids, how will they handle it when he is gone? My kids have been through a lot because of divorce, and now this?? If you ask, they will tell you Dave is the closest thing to a dad they have had...now we face losing him. More pain. More heartache. We need a whole lot more Jesus! 

I am getting out of the house tomorrow. I would like to say it is all pleasure, but it isn't. Checking off some things on the to do list. But I will enjoy a drive alone, some worship music, some praying, and probably some tears. There have been a lot of them lately. I think I am already starting to mourn...

I'm 41 years old. I am facing things I never thought I would face at this point in my life. I am packing away some of my dreams and hopes. I am just beginning the most difficult part of this journey. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Or at times angry. Or incredibly sad. When I went through my divorce 11 years ago, I was determined to "do it right". I didn't allow myself to feel what I should have and as a result, I was in the bondage of bitterness for 8 years! Praise God, he freed me from that! 

But, I am walking this path differently. I AM feeling and I am feeling deeply. I have found such comfort in 2 little words in the Bible- "Jesus wept!" He knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, and yet he mourned his loss. I know when Dave's last breath is taken, the sadness will be great, but I also know he is forever with Jesus-NOTHING to mourn about there! Maybe even something to be a little envious about! So thankful for that assurance! 

I firmly believe that God has a purpose in this, far bigger than I can imagine at this point. One of my concerns is that I "survive" this journey. I don't want to just survive it, I want to learn in it. I want to grow in it. I want to experience Jesus like never before. I want to share what He is doing in my life through this process. I don't want to miss a thing that God is doing...

My life, by earthly standards, is hopeless. Dave provides for us, his income has already cut in half. I stay at home, which was a dream of mine, and now, might have to go. I might have to get a job. I have no skills for this world. Before I stayed home, I was a preschool teacher, but I do not have  a degree, I was just blessed with a job that saw I had the ability to do it. I have 3 kids I have to provide for, will we lose our home?? So much is going on in my head that I am processing...

BUT, that is the earthly standard...God's standards are different. When you put on the "eternity glasses" your outlook changes...my life gives incredible opportunity for God to do miraculous things. I have been called to minister to women, I will have a whole new group that I can relate to and encourage and share how God got me through. I have a story to tell. I want to be able to say that with God's help, I didn't just survive this process, but I thrived in it! I am counting on  a hope, a good future, and God's plan for me. 

Would I have written my story this way, if the pen were in my hand?? NO! But when we give God the pen, and trust him with it, and let him write the book, the ending is beautiful...and I am counting on that!

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