Just Me

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Lord, I Need You

Time to write...mostly because it is therapy for my soul. I have had a rough couple of weeks. The enemy has been full throttle attacking me. He is hitting every way he can, to shift my focus and grab my heart and mind. I am so thankful that I have dear friends who encourage and point me to Jesus!

It has been a while since I shared about Dave and where he is in this journey. For about 3 weeks now, I have seen some changes. He is sleeping a LOT...like 21-23 hours a day on average. He is eating little. He will say that something smells good, take a bite and it turns him off, he can't eat it. He is eating cream of wheat and fruit, but not much else appeals. He is drinking little and at this point is dehydrated some. About 3 weeks ago, he was diagnosed with a UTI, which could have explained the changes in him. But the UTI is gone and these symptoms have not changed. Now he is dehydrated and I am again wondering if things are progressing or if it is circumstantial. There is just a difference in him. I look in his eyes and I see a weary man, there is a hollowness in his eyes. I rub his shoulders and feel his bony shoulder blades. I run my hand down his back and feel his spine. I give him injections each day in his stomach, it is getting very hard to pinch some belly to inject the medicine into. Changes...

He has also become confused. He says things that make no sense. He has had some hallucinations that are funny, but not funny at all. He is getting very weak and has almost fallen a couple of times. So, I spoke with our nurse yesterday and she said I should not leave him alone any more. I knew the day would come. 

But I really didn't comprehend how it would affect me. 

Immediately, I had to find someone to sit with him so I can attend my son's baseball game tonight. I have 3 kids here that can stay with him and make sure he is safe and has what he needs. But two of them are very busy teenage girls with schedules that vary. My son could stay with him for a short time while I run an errand. But I don't want to put that responsibility on him for long. I have been trying to get out of the house each week and do something for me-coffee with a friend, go to Springfield and run around a little-something that seemed more normal. That is gone now without a lot of extra effort, both on my part and that of someone else to come and sit here. I suddenly feel very trapped with all of it. This has already been a life consuming process, and it is even more now. 

On top of it, I see the affects of losing Dave on my kids. When this is over, a whole new struggle begins-the mourning process. This woman is weary and honestly feeling very over-whelmed with all of it.

Sunday we sat through another great message and amazing worship. We ended with a song that has become one of my hearts cries. As we sang, the tears flowed while I prayed that song to my Savior...

There is no way I could have made it this far without my family, my church, and most important, my Lord. I know the hardest days are still ahead...but I also know Jesus is going to carry me. I am thankful for this journey, as hard as it has been. I have grown to know my Savior in ways that only this journey could teach me. God has a purpose. God is good. His ways are not my ways, but I can trust Him. 

Lord I need you! 
Oh I need you. 
Every hour I need you. 
My one defense.
My righteousness. 
Oh God, how I need you.

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