Just Me

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Thoughts in the Journey...

The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind in our journey. Dave experienced some terrible side affects from his drugs and finally got some relief today. But last night was rough!! I was up until 1:30 and I don't think he slept much at all. This has been another one of those moments when it really hits me. THIS is where we are. THIS is what we are facing. THIS is real. 

There are times that I sit down to blog and my thoughts are very scattered and it is hard to focus on one "theme". I have been all over the place today in thoughts and emotions. So, I am going to give you a glimpse into those things...the things I am experiencing in this journey...

1) Cancer is a vicious beast and NO ONE should have to go through what we are going through.
2) Jesus meets every need. Sometimes it is in a huge, obvious way. Sometimes it is as simple as a hug. 
3) Jesus is ALWAYS enough...
4) There are times when Jesus is not enough...and then I have to CHOOSE to believe #3.
5) Sometimes I just wish life was normal. That I could go on a vacation as a family. That I could celebrate our 8th anniversary on June 17th with a date night. That I could go to wal-mart without worrying about who is home with Dave. That I could go to church and not have to keep my phone handy in case of an emergency. Sometimes I get very jealous of those leading normal lives. I miss normal. I REALLY miss normal.
6) It is excruciating watching my husband die. What used to be strong arms of security, at times now need to hold onto me to get out of bed.
7) I miss kissing my husband. Yet another struggle with jealousy for me. Kiss your honey tonight...
8) Music is an amazing mood enhancer. How can you not be encouraged when you sing of God's holiness, his love for us, the promise of heaven and redemption...Feeling down?? Plug into some good Jesus music.
9) Another great mood booster-encourage someone else. It is amazing how giving of myself has come right back at me!
10) God gives me gifts I didn't know I needed...such as new friends...you know who you are! ;)
11) God has increased my desire to serve more out of my pain, than when my life was smooth sailing. 
12) New passions can be birthed through the toughest of times...you are reading one of mine right now!
13) I have learned that I DO NOT WANT to do this life without the body of Christ. If you are not part of a church, you do not know what you are missing. Want to visit a good church? Message me...I know of a GREAT one!
14) Death can be a celebration when we know Jesus and have the wonderful hope of heaven! 
15) I have learned to say, "I NEED HELP!" Not easy for this independent, usually strong woman. And I will have to learn to say those words again...because those words are really hard for me to say.
16) Words are my #1 love language and the words of encouragement and reminders of Jesus have been a life line for me. This is me asking you to remind me of the truths in the word...because, well you read #15!  I NEED HELP!
17) I struggle with being real...it is hard to admit "I can't do this..." but that is when we all can see what only Christ can do! It is when we are beyond ourselves that He gets the most glory.
18) Sometimes I just need to cry.
19) Sometimes I want to cry alone. And sometimes I wish I had someone to sit and cry with me. 
20) I HATE mowing. I REALLY HATE mowing the hill around our house. And I get VERY angry when the strong man across the street sympathizes with me about mowing my hill...ummm thanks??
21) Some things are just more important...
22) Life is hard...but God is faithful.
23) God is good. All the time. No matter what. 

Just some thoughts...they are scattered but so am I! 

Thankful that His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. 
Thankful that He uses me. 
Thankful that He redeems and restores. 
Thankful that on the darkest day, He is the light. 
Thankful that when I am weak, He is strong.
Thankful that I am not alone.
Thankful that He can give me a new normal.
Thankful that he works all things together for my good.
Thankful that He pours himself out all over me.
Thankful for the gift of song to encourage and draw my thoughts back to him.
Thankful for my friends.
Thankful for the hope and sweet assurance of heaven with Jesus!

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