I have struggled with many things this week-Anger, Love, Heartbreak, Confusion, Pain, Shattered Dreams, Hopelessness.
I have been in the Word, listening to music, praying, crying-basically everything I know to do to work through what I am dealing with.
I did better yesterday, but last night a tidal wave hit. And I am experiencing SO MUCH sadness today. So, now what Lord?? I have a strong faith, you have proven faithful over and over in my life so...
...why can't I JUST BELIEVE???
I could really beat myself up and I honestly struggle a LOT with doing things right...gotta get it right...don't mess up...keep the faith...be strong.
But the truth is, I am weak. I feel. I hurt. My heart is breaking. I have been very angry. I have withdrawn. I can't think or process easy tasks. (then I beat myself up for not being able to) I haven't been able to hear his still small voice. It has been as if God has been silent. I have carried a load this week that no one should ever have to carry. I have struggled feeling his arms. I have felt like Job must have felt at times.The enemy has danced around so much in my mind all week long. I have been in warfare with him. I have had friends doing warfare for me as well. I have found myself visiting "What-if-Ville". It is so easy to not only visit, but to take up residence there and I have really struggled with that.
Through this process with Dave and hospice, I have grown to love the Word of God in a deeper way than I have ever known. I have been clinging to the hope that his word promises for our pain. The hope of heaven when he is gone. The hope that he has a purpose and a plan for my life and it doesn't end when I become a widow. God has done amazing things for me in my life. He has always come through. I never once have looked back on any situation and thought, "You know, God got it wrong on that one!"
I don't want to guard against what I need to process through. Guarding against my emotions will lead me into bondage. So again, it comes down to "Trusting with a Broken Heart".
This is a time of pain for me. There is not avoiding it. But the pain does not define my situation. It is not the core of my situation. And what could I be missing if I try to work through the pain myself and not let God what only he can do??
Today, I need the truth while walking through the pain...The Truth Is...