Just Me

Friday, May 24, 2013

When You are Facing a Mountain...

This week has been one of the hardest I have had to process and work through. The issues are deep and personal and so it is hard to write about in a general sense. 

I have struggled with many things this week-Anger, Love, Heartbreak, Confusion, Pain, Shattered Dreams, Hopelessness. 

I have been in the Word, listening to music, praying, crying-basically everything I know to do to work through what I am dealing with. 

I did better yesterday, but last night a tidal wave hit. And I am experiencing SO MUCH sadness today. So, now what Lord??  I have a strong faith, you have proven faithful over and over in my life so...

...why can't I JUST BELIEVE???

I could really beat myself up and I honestly struggle a LOT with doing things right...gotta get it right...don't mess up...keep the faith...be strong. 

But the truth is, I am weak. I feel. I hurt. My heart is breaking. I have been very angry. I have withdrawn. I can't think or process easy tasks. (then I beat myself up for not being able to) I haven't been able to hear his still small voice. It has been as if God has been silent. I have carried a load this week that no one should ever have to carry. I have struggled feeling his arms. I have felt like Job must have felt at times.The enemy has danced around so much in my mind all week long. I have been in warfare with him. I have had friends doing warfare for me as well. I have found myself visiting "What-if-Ville". It is so easy to not only visit, but to take up residence there and I have really struggled with that.

Through this process with Dave and hospice, I have grown to love the Word of God in a deeper way than I have ever known. I have been clinging to the hope that his word promises for our pain. The hope of heaven when he is gone. The hope that he has a purpose and a plan for my life and it doesn't end when I become a widow. God has done amazing things for me in my life. He has always come through. I never once have looked back on any situation and thought, "You know, God got it wrong on that one!" 

 I don't want to guard against what I need to process through. Guarding against my emotions will lead me into bondage. So again, it comes down to "Trusting with a Broken Heart".

This is a time of pain for me. There is not avoiding it. But the pain does not define my situation. It is not the core of my situation. And what could I be missing if I try to work through the pain myself and not let God what only he can do??

Today, I need the truth while walking through the pain...The Truth Is...

God is good!
God Loves me!
God is in control!
God keeps his word!
God gives strength!
God NEVER stops working it all out for our good!
God's ways are best!
God is my Strong Tower!
God sees me!
God weeps with me!
God is the Redeemer!
God is a promise keeper!
God has a plan!
God's plan is good!
God LOVES to give us beauty for our ashes!
God loves those that I love, even more than I love them!
God is faithful!
God is light in my darkness!
God still answers prayers!
God holds me in his arms!
God is my Abba Father!
God is my bridegroom!
God never fails!
God restores!
God heals our broken hearts!
God is GOOD, ALL the time, No matter what!

The list is truly endless. And nothing that I face will change who God is or what his plan is for me. When we face struggles that seem to have no possible good outcome, we need to remember that when we give that over to our Jesus, he can create the most beautiful work of art, a masterpiece, that we never could have imagined! I know when today is over, and the future has unfolded, I will look back and say, "God was good. He got me through it. And he did amazing things through it. 

Ephesians 4:16-21
"...out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power
through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

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