Today it happened.
And even though it didn't surprise me and I expected it today. It hits. And it hits hard.
Treatments are done. Hospice has been called.
Dave is nearing the end of his life on this earth. I am walking this road beside him. We are each travelling the same road and yet our own at the same time. Today we turned a different direction in this. It is strange how your mind begins processing things differently in such a brief moment. Emotions flood. The mind races. A "to-do" list begins forming. People are contacted. Phone calls are made. It is so surreal...
Dave has fought this disease for over 3 years now. He is tired. He hurts. And he knows who is waiting for him on the other side and he is ready to see his Savior. His prayer is that there be "A Quick Resolution". My prayer is that God reigns his mercy and takes him home quickly. Dave has nothing to lose and everything to gain. It is unfathomable that he is SO close to seeing Jesus face to face. He is so close to actually KNOWING what we can't begin to comprehend! What a beautiful and comforting thought! PRAISE GOD!!!
But he is leaving many behind. God has a plan for me! He has a future filled with his HOPE for me! I know the road in front of me is heavy and long. There are still moments when I want to get off this path...I want a different journey. I question "Why? Why did God allow Dave and I to meet if he was just going to take him home in less then 8 years of marriage?" I became a single mom when I turned 30, and now at 41, I will be doing it again, just with a different name- "Widow".
But you know, I have learned things in this marriage that I do not think I ever would have learned any other way. God has lead me to the place he wants me. Our marriage has been hard. We have had a lot of heartache in these 8 years together. But we have had a lot of laughs too! I told him the other day "It has been a fun adventure!" And it has. I joke that our love language is "Sarcasm"...I LOVE his humor (as sick as it is at times) and his laugh and smile!! We have made memories together that I will never forget. I am thankful!
One day cancer entered our world. And God has used it to transform this woman into a Jesus Girl that I didn't know could exist. I have learned the love of God in a way I never knew it before-THROUGH CANCER! I have seen the hand of God miraculously reach out to me in deep, personal ways. It is SO humbling and I am forever grateful! I have been able to walk through darkness with joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding. The best way to describe this journey has been,
"TRUSTING WITH A BROKEN HEART"
I am losing my spouse. My heart is broken. It breaks for him and what he is going through physically, mentally, emotionally. Daily, I watch it happen. It is SO hard when it is someone you love. The difference for me in this is that my hope is not found in this world...if you put on your "earth glasses" the trials in this life can look pretty hopeless. But when you choose to see things through the light of the Word of God, and you put on "Jesus glasses" everything changes! I am SO thankful for that hope!
I have SEEN the hands and feet of Jesus in my life through so many that are reaching out to us. Whether it is a meal, prayer, a visit, a hug, financial help, a song...THAT is what the church is about...LOVING like Jesus loves us. DOING what he has called us to do. I will never be able to repay all that has been done for me, BUT I will use all I have learned to encourage other women who walk a hard life path! That is my heart for ministry! And it has been birthed through cancer...Romans 8:28 is so true!
I do not know how long he has...there are times that I want more time talking to him, one more dinner out with him, one more movie on the couch with him, one more time to attend church with him. Folks, don't take life for granted! And more important than that...make sure you KNOW Jesus personally. None of us are ever going to be good enough for heaven, it is only through the blood of God's son, We have to ask him to forgive us and come into our hearts and save us. We have to trust in him to be our Savior! THEN you can KNOW what Dave and I know and rest assured that heaven awaits!
The following verse pretty much sums it up for me today...I do not lose heart! This world and everything in it can be gone in a moment! BUT I have a hope that I can not even begin to understand on this earth!
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore, we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting way, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Though my heart is heavy, I can rejoice FOR my husband! His troubles are almost over and he gets Jesus for all of eternity! PRAISE YOU JESUS!!!
Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI am with Origami Owl also! I was a hospice nurse before I became to O2. Please know that God is wrapping his arms around you and David at this time!! I will pray that David does not struggle and he has no pain! I am also praying for your strength. We don't know what God's plan is for us, but we know there is a master plan!
You will never be far from my thoughts
God Bless You!
Joleen
Thank you so much! God is good!
DeleteHi Stephanie <3
ReplyDeleteLynn shared your blog on the Charming Stars page. As I sit here in tears, my heart breaks for you & your family. You will be in my prayers. Much love & peace to you <3
Thank you!!
DeleteStephanie,
ReplyDeleteI am also a fellow Owl Sister and my heart aches for you. It is also joyous for you because of the peace you have come to find through this path in your life. Please know that you are in my prayers every moment of the day. You are full of grace, and your husband is so lucky to have you by his side!
Kari Lowe
God is so good to me! Thank you!
DeleteFrom one Origami Owl Stephanie to another- I admire ur strength and resolve and faith. God bless you and your family especially in this difficult time. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSteph Mills
We appreciate all the prayers! Thank you!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteStephanie,
ReplyDeleteI am also with O2. What a beautiful testimony of the hope we have when we know Jesus! Thank you for sharing your journey. Your willingness to minister in this difficult time is such an inspiration. I have been walking a difficult journey over the last 11 months, but God has been there each step of the way even when I didn't want Him to be. He is bringing healing and restoring purpose. My prayer is to be able to minister to other women by sharing what God has done in my life. Your post is confirmation for me that this is what God is calling me to do. Thank you. Praying that God continues to fill you with His peace and gives you the strength you need for each moment.
Krishna
Krishna~
DeleteI can not tell you the joy that filled my heart when I read your post! I know God has a purpose and a plan for this pain! Hearing what He is doing in your life to bring you to minister to others is such a ripple effect of what He is doing in my life! It brings 1 glimpse, 1 redemption, of purpose to all this!!! GO FOR IT!!! God will use you! I have had a pretty tough life, and every time the Lord uses that pain to bring some hope in the life of another person, it is like salve on a wound...YES Jesus, THIS is just one reason WHY! God bless you in whatever He leads you to!!! THANK YOU for sharing this with me! Brought me to joyful tears!